Thursday, October 4, 2012


Dear members of the jury,

I never owned a Nintendo 64. in the late 90s when it was all the rage, all my friends had one, and the best games where the multiplayer so I never came around buying the system. I probably logged the same amount of hours on Starfox or Smash Brothers as an N64 owner. To this day there's people who will do anything with me except play Goldeneye, so as you can see I pretty much got that console's full experience......


Except for one game.

I had always heard "Ocarina of Time" is the best game made for N64. Some have gone as far as to say it may be the best game in that generation of consoles, and some have taken it as far as saying it's the best game ever. But since it was a one player game and I couldn't beat my friends in it, I had no interest. What fun is a game if there's no chance it may ruin a friendship? So I skipped "Ocarina" and moved on to other titles, and as I got older, to other consoles.

Fast forward to last weekend. My friends decided to have a retro game night and have some drinks. We did all the classics. Mario Kart, Smash Brothers, 007. We also had quite a bit to drink, so as a responsible adult I decided to crash in their couch because I may have had some blood in my alcohol system. Now something peculiar about me is that when I drink a lot, I wake up early the next morning, so it's no surprise then that I regained consciousness at 8:00 a.m. next morning while still under the influence.

I started getting bored since everyone was sleeping. I couldn't do a multiplayer game, so when I spotted Ocarina of Time, I thought I should give it a try. Now if you have played this game before, you understand what I'm about to describe. If you haven't, then give it a try, and you will see why things turned out the way they did, and why I ask for a verdict of "not guilty".

Ocarina of time was advanced for its time. The controls are simple, fluid and intuitive compared to the glitchy games back then and even some of the newer ones. The graphics are smooth for an older system and the game world is beautifully rendered, each character has its own pixelated quirks, the uncanny attention to detail seen in the rising and falling of the sun and moon. The music is masterfully composed and adapts to each environment and situation with barely noticeable transitions. But all of it pales in comparison to the story and interactivity. A classic tale of good against evil. The story of an outcast underdog finding his true calling, rising up to the challenge and realizing his potential. Seems pretty standard stuff until you sit with the control in hand. I can't describe why this game draws you in so well, I would guess it is a combination of all the things I have described, but the result is one of the most immersive experiences I have ever had in gaming.


That Sunday I played almost 12 hours.

I didn't want to stop. When you read a good book you don't want to put it down because you want to know what happens, but with this game I didn't want to stop because I was the one that made things happen. It was me. I had to take the character from town to town, I had to search for items and go in each quest, I had to fight each enemy and figure out each puzzle. The character was an extension of me. Every game aims to do this. I can confidently say none had done it like Zelda: Ocarina Of Time.
Saying this game is addictive is an understatement. One could even say that its potential to influence the player is quite significant and may affect an unprepared, highly susceptible individual, affecting his state of mind. One could go so far as argue that if said individual allegedly did something stupid and possibly criminal while under the influence of such as strong force then the blame should be placed on the Nintendo company for making such an overwhelmingly good game and that individual should be absolved of all charges.

With that said let me explain the chain of events that brought us here today. After that fateful day of unrestricted exposure to the Ocarina of Time experience while under the influence of a free flowing fountain of Jameson's fine Whiskey I made my way home. I guess if I could be blamed for something it would be that I liked the video game so much, but surely that's not illegal. So when I changed my cellphone's ringtone to "Navi" ( A character in the game that accompanies you trough your journey and constantly warns you of danger), it was only to show my appreciation of the game. Little did I know that the new sound, when I received texts or calls, would trigger the response it did in my state of inebriation.

I heard the first text around 8:00 P.M. Now in the game world, night time is very dangerous. You are more likely to be attacked by monsters so when I heard Navi's voice saying "Listen" I freaked out. I tried equipping the Kokiri sword and Deku shield. Obviously I had neither one, but after extended play, my mind was still in game mode. It seemed logical at the time to acquire these items. I fabricated a crude sword and shield out of harmless cardboard. CARDBOARD. Cardboard is just like thick paper, that's why I believe the assault and battery charge on various police officers are so preposterous. In any case, my phone kept going off. I now know my friends where just trying to find out if I got home, but as stated, I was under the influence of Ocarina of Time's spell so at that point I honestly thought my life was in danger. Each new text or call was perceived as a warning of imminent attack. This is why I ran into the mall with my new gear. I knew I needed some health which is why I began eating everything I could find in the food court and the reason I stole the green woman's dress from that store is because I knew I couldn't face any enemies without the proper magic tunic. This is how much hold Nintendo's masterpiece had on my mind.

So it is with the utmost sincerity that I apologize to the 12 ladies and gentlemen of the mall security team. It was not me that was throwing delicious Cinnabons at you screaming "why don't these Deku nuts hurt them?". It was not me you chased trough the various stores and it was not me that repeatedly jabbed and spin attacked with a cardboard sword giving you countless paper cuts and minor bruises. If you should be suing anyone it should be Nintendo, or may I suggest, the company you work for because of not providing proper training to deal with individuals clearly under the influence of a Nintendo game.


I want to extend that apology to the fine officers that took the call. By the time you had arrived my phone was ringing over and over as friends and family tried to reach me. That in addition to your sirens and lights made me think I was about to fight a boss battle in my Nintendo fueled confusion. So please forgive all the running around and the very light injuries caused by the cardboard sword and the toy boomerang, which by the way I still don't recall where I got or how I became so proficient with. If I may suggest something though. Should something like this happen again, please go straight to the taser. As we all found out that night together, pepper spray just makes me think a bad guy hit me with a fire spell.

At this point I want to also apologize to all the vendors and stores situated around the fountain in the main courtyard. None of you would have had to see me naked or would have heard me describe in detail and at the top of my lungs all the overtly erotic things I still had not done with "Princess Zelda" if I didn't really believe I was losing all my life points because I was on fire. Please consider taking legal action against Nintendo for all the psychological trauma caused by this incident.
So all in all, I think that if we could all agree that none of this would have happened if Nintendo had not made such a fanfokentastic game as Ocarina of Time, with the capability to influence a susceptible mind such as mine, then we could also agree that this embarrassing episode is really not my fault, and that without the need of jail time I have learned a valuable lesson. So lets just put this all behind us and forget it ever happened and if you bring back a verdict of innocent, I promise to stay out of trouble and lay low, specially because they just announced the new "Grand Theft Auto" and I'm dying to play it.

Good Times.

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