Wednesday, March 23, 2011

MONKEY PROOF WALLS!

I noticed a growing trend of people taking red lights on the road and I got to thinking. Using my basic knowledge of the "Darwin law of evolution" and "Natural Selection" in nature, I have come up with a theory to solve all the problems of the world! I stand in the shoulders of giants and use their knowledge, taking it one step further and playing "God" I will advance the human race towards evolution.

All it takes is walls.

Hear me out. Traffic lights function with 3 colors. Green means that you can go. Yellow is a warning that the light is close to changing and you should slow down. Red means stop.

I suggest changing the red light to a mechanism that springs a heavy iron wall from the ground right behind the crosswalk in front of the line in the road where the car should stop. This of course would happen on red right after the yellow warning sign. Any one trying to take the red light will without a doubt crash into the wall.

GOOD FOKEN JUJUBEE ANDY, WHAT WOULD THAT ACCOMPLISH?

The purpose or rather "purposes" of this seemingly trivial change to the traffic light will be explained corresponding the list of the type of people that take red lights.

DID NOT SEE IT OR COULD NOT SEE COLOR
Since traffic lights are huge objects with bulbs so bright that you can even see them in the day light, and the D.O.T. add hues of orange and blue so that the colorblind can see them too, then the person obviously has foken bad eyesight. By eliminating these assholes from the gene pool, the overall sense of sight of the human race will improve reducing the amount of children that have trouble learning because of eye problems and creating a smarter human race.

DID NOT HAVE TIME TO STOP
This one is easy. The basic traffic light has an average delay period of 5 to 10 seconds between yellow and red. Don't think 5 seconds is enough time, put a lighter flame to your crotch for that long and talk to me about foken reaction time. If your reflexes are so bad that you can't switch your foot from one pedal to the other in at least 5 seconds you don't deserve to reproduce, and whats the point of living if your not allowed to get your freaky freak on? With these monkeys dead, overall reflexes will improve throughout the planet. By the year 2030 a human being will be able to catch a bullet in his/her teeth, making guns obsolete. World peace will be achieved.

DISTRACTED BY... (CELL PHONE, KIDS, PET..ETC.) 
The average car weights 2000 pounds. The average driver reaches a cruising speed of 50 miles per hour. If you don't think that being inside this much metal at that much speed is worth 100% your attention, then you are obviously not fully there. Foken Focus dickweeds! FOCUS! Look forward, accelerate, see obstacle, decelerate, turn when necessary. Not hard huh? In any case, Once the distracted assfarts in our population Darwin themselves out of the gene pool, overall IQs will rise beyond any previous charts. Humans will be able to use 80% their brain by the year 2080 allowing teleportation. Cars become useless. Greenhouse effect stops, Earth turns to paradise.

"I TOUGHT I COULD BEAT THE YELLOW"
My closing argument. The law is very simple. Each light has its own action. 3 foken choices. Go, Slow down, STOP. The douchebags that think that they are above this simple law are more than likely the same monkeys that will be O.K. breaking other laws. "Oh, I tought I could rob your house and rape your dog as long as you didn't notice!" FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! Eliminating these monkeys will finalize my solution. Crime rates will drop. The need for police or any kind of law for that matter will be obsolete, Governments will disban and the world will reach a state of eutopia by the year 3000.

All materials are copyrighted and I already started a petition here in Miami, vote YES on MONKEY PROOF WALLS TRANSPORTATION ACT OF 2011.


"BEST DOCUMENTARY EVER"


Thank your for listening, also, if any questions or doubts you are more than encouraged to ask in the comment section as I think my plan is airtight and will be more than happy to ignore you.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

FACEBOOK'S LIKE BUTTON WILL DESTROY THE WORLD

I completely understand the concept behind Social Networks. They are a fantastic idea. The googlemachines trully are a beautiful way of bringing the world closer together and we have seen the benefits of using intertubes technology in order to accomplish worthwhile goals just like recent events in Egypt or the Anonymous protests on Scientology..... However it is my professional opinion that the "like" button feature in Facebook will bring about the foken end of the world. 

I know it sounds a little extreme, but it's foken true. Innocent as it may seem, that little bastard is an S.T.D. (Socially Transmitted Disease {totally made that one up} ) that slowly eats away at the Frontal Lobes of your brain which apparently are connected to your social skills. Doesn't matter what I post, even if it's an open ended question, people have lost their mastery of conversation and they simply opt to press the foken "like" button. It's kind of like cavemen offering a dry single grunt to acknowledge your awesome taking down of a foken T-Rex all on your own with nothing but a toothpick.

  LIKE
It's getting ridonculous. You think I'm kidding when I compare it to a disease, but look at the way it behaves. One of your friends has it. You know he/she does because all they do is post the shit they like and when you post there's never a coherent response, just that retarded little thumbs up that lets you know they acknowledge your existence, but you are not worthy enough of 10 seconds worth of typing. This really doesn't matter to you because who cares right? Then one day you are reading your friends update and even though you totally agree with what they posted about Coke Zero or the Deterioration of Human Empathy in a Forced Consumerist Market or whatever, you draw a foken blank. You have nothing to say. Not even about Coke Zero. Your mouse starts sliding towards that little word. Your subconscious screams at you, trying to remind you of the times when your opinions where complex aspects based on experience and convictions, but your conscious brain just hears Charlie Brown's squawking teacher. You have a feeling that things should not be like this, but struggle as you may, not a single cohesive sentence forms in the language center of your noggin so with no other option your index finger clicks "like" and you die a little inside. You feel ashamed, but just like a herpes outbreak, every following episode is just a little easier than the one before.

Worst part about this S.T.D. is that it's both aggressive and degenarative to a very bad extent. You see, the "like" button is too ambiguous, too foken vague, so it's use should have a certain amount of restriction, even self discipline. I will illustrate my point. The assumption is 1 person posting with 100 friends on Facebook over a period of 5 weeks.

WEEK 1
ORIGINAL POST: I'm on my way to school!
NUMBER OF LIKES: 4
NUMBER OF COMMENTS: 20
SAMPLE: Me too, I got class around 10, we should meet for coffee.
OBSERVATION: Complex sentences, good grammar, rational thought.

WEEK 2
ORIGINAL POST: Should I buy the new Lady Gaga record?
NUMBER OF LIKES: 8
NUMBER OF COMMENTS: 15
SAMPLE: NO, Why the fok would you do that? That bitch is retarded!
OBSERVATION: Ability to answer and formulate questions and offer good advice still present!

WEEK 3
ORIGINAL POST: I'm not having a good day, this sucks.
NUMBER OF LIKES: 35
NUMBER OF COMMENTS: 10
SAMPLE: That sucks.
OBSERVATION: Simple sentences only. Lack of comprehension for the implication of what pressing "like" might mean when the original post indicates a negative feeling.

WEEK 4
ORIGINAL POST: Wow, there was a 9.0 earthquake in Japan
NUMBER OF LIKES: 50
 NUMBER OF COMMENTS: 5
SAMPLE: dat suxs
OBSERVATION: Language skills regressing to child like levels. Clicking "like" has become autonomous.

WEEK 5
ORIGINAL POST: like
NUMBER OF LIKES: like
NUMBER OF COMMENTS: like
SAMPLE: like
OBSERVATION: like

By this point the S.T.D. has spread beyond any means of controlling it. So my suggestion is to pull out your emergency Zombie Survival Kit and making your way to the nearest fortified building hoping for the best. 

There's no like button on blogger so leave me a foken comment.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

SORRY LADIES, THIS ONE IS FOR THE GUYS!

Imagine if you will, it's a sunny day in Miami, nice breeze keeping things just cool enough to where the rays of sunshine feel like heaven on your skin. You are making your way down the street when there she is... Everything you have ever wanted on a woman packaged perfectly into the hottest little Betty you have ever feasted your sight with. You catch a glimpse of that perfect hair playfully being tossed around by the wind. A gorgeous smile on a porcelain face as you work your way down, to a curvaceous body planted firmly on thunder thighs and the longest legs followed by MODAFOKEN JESUS SANDALS. WHAT THE FOKEN FOK FOK?

Who the hell told girls that shit is sexy? There's a foken reason shoe technology has moved away from a flat piece of leather attached to your foot by string. It exposes your feet to dirt, it doesn't protect you from rocks and other debris and those strings make your legs look like Christmas ham wrapped on that netting. It's foken horrendous. For the last 28 years of my life the only time I have seen those sandals has been on Jesus, Roman Gladiators and lately that turd pile Naruto. You are not going to convince me now that this is hot or somethIng. Matter of fact, you are ruining my life because I'm terrified to check out girls. Those damned things have created an association that has been forced on my head between women's footwear and Colin Farrel or all those dudes from 300. THAT'S NOT THE IMAGES I WANT IN MY HEAD WHEN I'M TRYING TO DECIDE IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE MY FUTURE EX-WIFE!

Anyhow. Fok those sandals.