Wednesday, November 23, 2011

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

CRAZY LIKE A FOX, HOW AN ADVENTURE WAS BORN! ( DAY 1 - 2:15 A.M. )

This blog entry will be written on my cell phone as events happen since I probably won't have access to a computer on my journey and I don't want any details left out. I just made it home home from a hell of a night at the bar, man I must have had like a bathtub of beer and at least a gallon of Tequila. Anyhow I found that the dumb-dumb box had a marathon of some sort of survival show going on. These things really anger the Y part of my chromosomal makeup because it's all pretend. Usually some pansy with specially designed gear and a camera crew spends one day inside some natural preserve and that's enough to impress every nancy-boy that has never tapped into their animal nature. But they are not fooling me. I know I would do just as good, if not better if I found myself in a survival situation, so I have decided to prove it.

I don't have access to a helicopter or safety gear or fancy film equipment and I live in a fairly large metropolitan area so taking nature head on might be out of the question. This is why I have decided on the next best thing. I am arming myself with my phone to record my quest and a wooden spoon ( The blood level in my alcohol system might be a little high and I don't think it's responsible to carry a knife). With my gear ready and after hydrating myself with tall glass of Patron, I will now attempt to make it back home after being dropped off at random location in the furthest reaches of the concrete jungle known as Miami.

ADVENTURE FUEL!

HOW TO GET READY FOR AWESOME! ( DAY 1 - 2:30 A.M. )

In order to create realism I decided to blindfold myself, duct tape my gear to my butt cheeks and strip down to my boxers then be dropped off at random. I thought that my journey had met it's end before it began when I couldn't convince any of the taxicabs I called for to take me. Finally they sent a more manly, special taxicab. It had blue and red shining lights so that deaf people would know it had arrived.

THE CHARIOT OF THE BRAVE

I shook hands with the brave driver and asked him his name. "Opheezer Vasquez" he said. "Opheezer, that sounds Swedish" I said trying to make small talk. I congratulated him on his testicular fortitude. He helped me to the back seat and I told him about the quest I was embarking on. He was both extremely pleasant and encouraging, reassuring me that "everything was going to be alright". I knew he doubted what he said as I looked at the reflection of his eyes in the rear view mirror right trough the privacy fence. I tried to ease his concern, but as I began to speak I released the fish tacos I had at the bar trough the fence and into his box of donuts. I guess the nerves where finally getting to me, and I thought he was going to be pretty upset but instead he showed me how much he believed in me by actually putting a black duffel bag over my head as I had planned from the beginning.

We didn't speak much after that because we both knew that I had to focus on the tasks at hand. I began to concentrate in order to mentally prepare myself. I cleared my mind of all background noise using ancient Buddhist techniques and I guess I must have done it pretty good because I don't remember a lot after that. When I finally left my deep meditative state I realized we had stopped moving, the blindfold was off and I was being dragged by my friend Opheezer. My body wasn't responding because of the high level of mental peace I had reached, so he carried me away from the taxicab, off the side of the road just like I had planned all along, Opheezer wanted to help as much as he could and in order to create the realism of a survival situation, he knew that we had to step it up a notch. If you survive a plane crash, you will probably have some injuries, so Opheezer began to punch and kick me with all his strength to simulate plane crash injuries. Once the damage was believable he pushed me down a ditch. As I floated face down on the muddy water of some unknown canal I realized two things. My journey had just started, and it was all possible thanks to a courageous man named Opheezer Vasquesz, my new friend for life!

 THE FRIENDSHIP STICK

ALL JOURNEY'S BEGIN WITH THE FIRST STEP!  ( DAY 1 5:45 A.M. )

After a little more meditation I finally decided that in order to finish my quest I had to actually get started. I slowly pulled myself out of the water and sat at it's edge. I proceeded to pull the duct tape pouch securely attached to my posterior and log all the events that led me to the first step of my travels on my phone. I also armed myself with my spoon ready for any wildlife that may think I would make an easy meal on my weakened state. I knew that I should try to reach the high ground in order to survey my location, but that's when I found my simulated plane crash injuries where quite real and I couldn't reach the top of the ditch. I used the duct tape to fashion a sling for my left arm and placed my phone on that hand while holding my wooden spoon weapon on my right and decided to follow the canal since civilization tends to spring around water sources. By the time I began walking I noticed that it was almost sunrise. I was on my way.

IN GETTING LOST, ONE FINDS HIMSELF! ( DAY 1 7:00 A.M. )

Just as the light of dawn slowly breaks trough the dusk, my senses where slowly breaking trough the darkness of my deep meditation. I noticed that I wasn't really in a canal but rather in a small lake so I had been going in circles around it for quite some time. Also, I realized I was freaking starving. My body was doing it's best to heal from the simulated plane crash, but it needed to be fueled. I had to acquire sustenance quickly. I found walking uphill a little easier now so I was pleased when I reached the top. Imagine my surprise when not far from my point of emergence I spotted a tribe of pigmy people surrounding some sort of sacred hut.

 THE NOW EXTINCT PIGMY PEOPLE TRIBE
I ran towards them holding my spoon at the ready in case they where hostile and stopped just a few feet short of where they where gathered. They observed me with curiosity as I did them. I was amazed by their short stature and the weird patterns in their garments as well as the hunting bags attached to their backs. That's when I noticed that a few of them where carrying in their hands small square boxes that smelled of food. I moved a few steps closer and they took a defensive formation by moving closer to each other. I pointed at the boxes of food and grunted hoping they would understand. I must have not gotten the message trough because the ones with food began moving towards the back of the pack. I decided that my survival was a higher priority than any political relations I could establish with this tribe so I attacked. If their fighting skills are any indication of their desire to survive then it is no wonder the pigmy people are almost extinct. I was able to incapacitate all 12 of their fiercest warriors with my wooden spoon. I quickly pulled the loot from the boxes and filled one of their hunting back packs with it, running away to a safe place to enjoy the loot. I imagine this encounter will become part of their oral tradition. A tale of  an invincible creature in the jungle that demands a food sacrifice to appease it's anger.
 A STATUE ERECTED AT THE PIGMY VILLAGE TO WARN OTHER TRIBESMEN

This incredible first contact taught me something about myself and about this previously undiscovered tribe. I don't know my own strength and pigmy people are a terrible warriors.  Now I will eat and rest a bit in order to continue my journey.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS ( DAY 1 - 8:30 )

I just woke up in some bushes by the elementary school close to my house. I'm only wearing boxers and I have a book bag full of Lunchables I don't remember ever owning or buying. There's police cars everywhere and I don't remember anything since I got to the bar yesterday for happy hour. I found blogger open on my phone and it's about to die so if you are reading this bring me some clothes because I need to be at work in half an hour. My exact location is.....

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

LESSONS LEARNED FROM RANDOM THINGS!

My Grandfather was a wise man. He had an almost encyclopedic knowledge about anything you could think of asking him, but the really impressive part was that when he wasn't sure, he used his wonderful imagination and unequivocal common sense to come up with something that was as close to fact if not more so than whatever the real answer was.... What I'm saying is my Grandfather was Wikipedia before the internet was even plugged in!

In any case, I always admired this quality of his, and as I grew older I wondered what a man had to do in ordered to collect the vast knowledge my Grandfather seemed to possess. Well, WikiGrandpa had the answer for that too! "Never stop paying attention." he said, "Everyone AND everything has a story to tell and a lesson to teach"!

Well, I took this to heart and so now I give you a compilation of lessons I have learned from  everything around me! Tips that will hopefully help you with school, life, love and maybe even sex! Sound advice from a guy that can't get his crap together so seriously, listen at your own risk!

RUGBY and FRIENDSHIP

    I play Rugby which is a fantastic sport. If you don't know what I'm talking about I highly recommend a quick Youtube search! Its like being in the middle of the movie 300 except with more fat guys and less homoerotic undertones! For the most part. But I digress, the point is that rugby is a game where there is no such thing as a superstar player! No matter how fast and tough you are, you can't win the game unless you have the support of the rest of the team, because the moment things go wrong, you will find yourself alone and lose the ball. To me, that is EXACTLY how a good circle of friends should be! A group of friends should work together to win at life. Sure everyone may have a different position and may take a different approach, but the constant should be that the moment things get heavy, everyone else should be there to support and push and fight to make sure no one is left alone in the field carrying a ball and having to face everything on their own! You don't just follow the guy that scores all the time, you follow everyone so that you build a strong bond! This way, when you end up with the ball in your hands, you don't have to look back, you just trust that your team and friends will be there if things get tough!

ZOMBIES and FINANCES

    Picture if you will a day just like today. You are sitting there, doing whatever it is that you are doing when you hear some noise outside. You get up and walk to the window to see what the commotion is and that's when you spot a group of zombies chasing Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Katy Perry! Welcome to the Zombie Apocalypse! You may be asking yourself if I have gone crazy or what any of this has to do with finances, and if this is the case then I ask you to have a bit more faith in my hereditary ability to bullshit and I warn you, question my sanity again and I will be forced to send my army of Ninja Space Monkeys after you. With that said, the lesson here is to practice survival mode and be prepared! Just like Z Day, you never know when financial adversity will strike, and the only way to survive is to be ready! Now you may be thinking that stockpiling a cache of food and weapons or money is enough, but the reality is that if you don't practice how to use both your arms and your cash in a tight situation then you won't make it far when the real disaster goes down! This is actually how I learned to save money! Pretend my car broke down and it's a $200 dollar fix. That money gets put away and remains untouched as if it was a real scenario and I survive on cereal for 2 weeks so that the cash is there when I really need it for an emergency or to bribe the customs agent so I can have my one time use hand made Chinese silk pajama pants. Point is preparedness is not just having the resources but the ability to use them at a moments notice, follow this advice and just like me you will be ready when the scenario I proposed happens and just like me you too can save humanity when you see Gaga and Bieber and Perry running for their lives, and you pull out your sniper rifle, pop one in each of their ankles and enjoy the show!

SEX and VIDEOGAMES

I'm dividing this one as advice for each corresponding gender and I'm trusting that you will only read the one that applies. Also I want to assure this is simply a gross oversimplification about male and female sexuality that does not take into account feelings!

    FOR THE GENTLEMEN
    Honor system ladies, remember the Ninja Space Monkeys, I'm not afraid to use them, skip to the next section.... O.K., now that they are gone here it is, there's two types of women when it comes to sex, it's up to you to figure it out so that you can please her. The first type is like your first console, let's say a Nintendo with Mario Bros. Once you start playing its pretty intuitive and each button does something specific, there really isn't much to figure out so now its up to you to see how good can you get at the game. You could probably play for hours but if you don't develop your technique things will get repetitive. Be inventive and you will always have fun! The second Type is more like the current consoles. Let's say PS3 with Modern Warfare! You start playing and you realize you don't really know what everything does so you have to take your time to figure out each function, you might play a few rounds and not do very well because you haven't learned the controls yet, but if you really slow down and pay attention you will develop the right technique and begin to enjoy the game. After some time things become second nature and before you know it you are leveling up like a boss and getting all kind of achievements you weren't expecting. Patience and attention will help you master and thoroughly enjoy each game!

    FOR THE LADIES
    Well, I was just telling the men about respect and totally not reinforcing sexist stereotypes, matter of fact I just copy and pasted something from the Cosmo website. Boring stuff really. Actually what I wrote up there actually applies to men too, if you already went through it then shame on you, but let me add to that just a little more. My advice for you ladies is very simple. Whether we like you or not we are probably going to let you play videogames with us, but only if we like you are we going to really enjoy ourselves, let you win and won't care what buttons you where pressing and you know exactly what I mean!

SCHOOL and DRIVING

    Driving is one of my favorite things to do. School, not so much, at least not until I realized how the way I drive could be applied to my behavior at school. I truly enjoy driving. I could be stuck in traffic and seriously could fill a pool with the amount of damns I just don't give! When I go out for a drive I feel comfortable. I focus on the road and pay attention to everything around me but only take in the information that truly matters like traffic signals while ignoring the distractions that serve no purpose but to stop me from my destination like that cheerleader car wash. And that's the problem I suspect must of us have in school. We know where the hell we need to go, but there's so many obstacles and distractions that the ride stops being enjoyable and we just become frustrated and either turn around and go home or barely do what we can to get there. But just like driving, you are in control. You choose what station you listen to, you choose the speed at which you drive, you choose what route to take and you choose to drive past that car wash because in the end they are not paying for your gas and could care less where you end up after you leave there!

DRINKING AND MARTIAL ARTS

    If you know me, you probably have had a beer with me at one point or another, if you don't, then you will when you meet me. Because that's the first thing you should do when you find yourself in my glorious presence. You should buy me a pint of Guinness. This will bring you good fortune. Anyhow, I love me some brew. I enjoy beer and partake on it's consumption. Nowadays I sit down and have a couple glasses of good craft beers and tend to enjoy the finer brews, but that's because I earned my black belt. When I first started, I drank like a frat boy and held records at my local hospital for most abuse to the liver in one weekend and had an honorary mention for most likely to flirt with a defibrillator. So basically I was in the Cobra Kai school of drinking. I wanted to pick every fight and walked around with a false sense of pride because I knew I could beat everyone around me. But that's not the point of martial arts, and it sure as hell isn't the point of having a drink. Just like the old masters teach us that "We learn to fight, so we don't have to", I feel that we kind of  "Learn to drink, so we don't have to". Let me explain. Sure it seems cool to be able to down a bottle of Jack Daniels by yourself, but are you enjoying yourself any more than the guy that's having a couple shots to get a nice buzz going and actually remembers what happened that night without the killer hangover? When you drink, you must be like the ancient masters. Able to whoop everyone's ass, but no one around you should be able to suspect a thing! Martial Arts teach you discipline and push your limits so that you know yourself and can use your skills responsibly and that's the approach you should take when you drink. Know what you can drink, know when to stop, and know what you can or cannot handle. Also, practice regularly and with good company!

So there you have it. Just a couple pearls of wisdom from me to you. Don't bother thanking me, but specially don't bother complaining when none of this works because I probably won't remember typing it since I downed 2 bottles of cough syrup before I got started and I sure as hell can't be held liable for the crap my brain is spewing. May the force be with you!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

THANK YOU SOCIAL NETWORKS, NOW I HAVE NO FRIENDS!

Remember that time you where really sick and Facebook brought you your homework and made copies of it's notes so you wouldn't fall behind in class? You don't? How about when you and Twitter went to that crazy party and had such a great time? Doesn't ring a bell? Not even that silly game you and Myspace played when you where kids? Nothing at all? In that case, congratulations! Like me, you too have just realized that you have no friends and will be forever alone.

 NOT A BIG FAN OF MEMES, BUT THIS FOKER FITS

OK, maybe it isn't as dramatic as that, but the point I'm trying to make is that there is a problem inherent to all these Social Networking sites that is contradictory to their very purpose. Major parts of social interaction are being replaced by very impersonal digital counterparts. There's all this amazing technology and software being created in order to unite the world and unfortunately all is doing is making human beings more and more disconnected because the reality of it is that you end up interacting with computer instead of real people.

After careful research and polling (I'm totally making this up but it's probably true), I have found that 90% of Social Network users have over 100 friends listed on their accounts. Seriously, look at your own accounts. and now think about how many of the people in the list are truly your friends? How many of them do you talk to on a regular basis or even manage to hang out with? I bet if you where to delete the ones that don't match that criteria the numbers would be greatly reduced right? Now don't get me wrong. I understand the point of networking is to create a large group of people connected in one way or another. And this is fantastic if you want to promote a business or a cause you believe in or some hilarious insightful blog written by a totally handsome dude, but honestly, this is not what you will find in your updates seeing as how they are mostly composed of all of us saying we are bored and then posting the latest Youtube video that entertained us!
 IT'S CATS. IT'S ALWAYS CATS

And that is exactly where things go wrong with Social Networks. They might have been created to connect people, but little by little they have just become the latest form of entertainment for us all. You know I'm right! And I don't mean just the games either. Bored at work? Check for updates! Traffic light? Check for updates! Waiting in line? Check for updates! Bathroom Break? Check for updates! No updates? Reload just in case you missed any updates! I know I'm not making that up. We don't check because we have a true interest on what's new in the lives of those we care about, we check because it's entertaining to know what everyone else is up to.

And it's not to say that there aren't any meaningful posts either. Among the barrage of  "I'm bored" and "I'm mad" and "People are Stoopid" posts there's always a great pearl of wisdom or some valuable bit of information, but we are so conditioned to pointless impersonal banter that we end up responding in very detached ways if we even choose to respond at all (Thank you very much "Like" button). Because the information is so compressed and readily available, we don't have to ask questions and start conversations. We simply stop making a conscious effort to maintain real contact with the people around us and so we end up with 10,000 friends and wondering why we still feel kind of lonely.
 PICTURED ABOVE. MINGLING AT A PARTY

I'm probably not going to stop using networking sites anytime soon. Like I said, they do serve a fantastic purpose. I however, have come to the realization that I want to make a conscious choice to both maintain and reinforce my connections to the people I care about because it's really hard to take my desktop to the beach or out for coffee without looking like a complete fool, and when I think about all the good times, I don't remember seeing some glorified beeper there when we had to run away from the cops after stealing those llamas and having those jousting matches inside the closed mall we broke into (you guys know who you are). But I digress, point is all these things are just tools to help us connect and they should be used as such because the click of a mouse will never replace the good times with those we love!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

MICHAEL BAY IS A DECEPTICON AND I HATE HIM!

I loved the Transformers. I really did. It was one of my favorite toys and I would spend hours with them. The show inspired hours of drawing and imaginary games and the animated movie left both a great message about sacrifice, a fanfokentastic soundtrack and the coolest foken quote for when I got into fights!


I used it once but as I got older I decided to go with "fok you foken fok!"

That was what I remembered about Transformers until in 2007 Michael Bay released the first Transformers movie. I'll be honest. I was both excited and apprehensive, but I told myself no matter what I would enjoy the movie because when you love something, you take both the bad and the good right?

And it wasn't that bad. I mean, sure there where a couple disappointments, like Bumblebee being a foken Camaro thanks to GM trying to make money or Optimus Prime looking like he scanned an episode of Pimp my Ride when he arrived on Earth, but overall I forgave Mr. Bay because he delivered realistic looking C.G.I. of the coolest franchise wrecking everyone's shit for me to enjoy. Well that and I was distracted by the novelty of it all and the multiple shots of Megan Fox in a tiny skirt.....

I felt good. My memories where not tarnished too much, and I could still say I loved the Transformers, but then two things happened. It was announced that a sequel would be released in 2009 and I found out that Megan Fox's thumbs look like my fat toe which is foken gross!


Seriously, that's just gross! 

Anyways. Transformers was a franchise geared towards children back in the late 80s and early 90s, but I guess since all those kids where now grownups like me, it was going to be hard to cash in on us. I'm aware of how capitalism works so I expected a bit of a gritty reboot of the series with some nostalgia thrown in just to keep me happy. And since the first movie did good I also knew I should expect a sequel. I figured since the first one wasn't so bad then why not check out number two. I told myself that my yearning to see a convincing Optimus Prime kicking ass was already satisfied with the first film so I could relax and lower my expectations, but nothing I did could have prepared me for the horrible ways my inner child and my outer adult where going to be traumatized beyond repair.

Michael Bay has a formula. It doesn't matter what the movie is about or what happens in it as long as there's enough explosions, female body part exposure and shiny cars to distract the viewer. Worked on Armageddon, Bad Boys, Bad Boys II, The Rock, The Island, Etc. Whole point is he knows it works, so he gets away with plot holes and script mistakes and continuity errors which really happens in most movies. However, Blatant RACISM and SEXISM is NOT what the Transformers where about and should have never been introduced into the series!


 What Transformers was NOT about!

I'm not going to go into too much detail. If you saw the movie and didn't seen anything wrong stop reading and kindly remove yourself from the gene pool. Maybe I'm the racist one, but everyone I talk to can pretty much agree that it was a tiny bit kind of foked up that what can safely be assumed where the Black robots happened to be complete idiots with robot faces that resemble pothead monkeys, while not knowing how to properly behave, and admitting that they don't really read too much. They also really sucked at fighting which according to the story we know is the ONLY FOKEN THING AUTOBOTS AND DECEPTICONS HAVE DONE FOR LIKE FOREVER.!!! Also at the beginning of the movie they aren't even a full foken robot. They share a foken Ice Cream car! Add to this the fact that Megan Fox's screen time is shot with the camera pointed directly at her crotch and then it's divided between 60% Changing slutty outfits, 20% Running in slow motion in slutty outfits and the other 20% Running and changing slutty outfits in slow motion and I can in all honesty say that my opinion is that this movie really was both RACIST and SEXIST.

But I blocked it out as much as I could (I actually fell asleep at the theater) and kept going. Time heals all wounds right? But Michael Bay knows this, so he released what I hope is the last movie about Transformers ever made. And last night, I went to see it. Call me masochistic, but I call it genuine optimism. The whole racist and sexist thing was no secret. Blogs where put up about it and people really bitched. Megan Fox went public saying she would not be participating on the third film and hinted at herself being overtly sexualized by Bay. So I figured maybe this would be an attempt at redemption and maybe an apology to fans like me.

You thought wrong Andy. FUCK YOU!

Instead last night I got treated to what I can only describe as Michael Bay raping my inner child! The movie started sort of good. Hell they even had a fake J.F.K. and a real Buzz Aldrin make a cameo in order to establish some realistic back story. But that was just foreplay for Mr. Bay as he proceeded to violate my senses and mind and memories and soul with the most nonsensical bigotry I have ever seen in my life! The new lead actress is a Victoria's Secret model which is probably why she was fine with being naked the entire film. Continuity is thrown out the window when a machine that only one specific Transformer can activate as established by him is later turned on by a foken guy slapping it. In the last two movies the fights have destroyed major cities and recognizable landmarks like the foken Pyramids yet people are not aware of Transformers being on Earth. What's worst is that since the Decepticions had been defeated twice the Autobots now perform black ops assassinations for the government which seriously IS NOT WHAT THE FOKEN TRANSFORMERS WHERE ABOUT!


MY CLOSING ARGUMENT. AN 8 SECOND CLIP OF GIANT ROBOT TESTICLES

Anyhow I'm not polishing this blog too much because the more I work on it the angrier I get and for the safety of my computer screen I'm going to stop.

DO NOT MAKE THE  MISTAKE I DID AND WATCH THE LAST TRANSFORMERS OR FOR THAT MATTER BUY ANYTHING RELATED TO THE FRANCHISE. MICHAEL BAY IS OBVIOUSLY A DECEPTICON AND HE HAS MANAGED TO KILL THE AUTOBOTS WITH HIS MOVIES. FOK YOU MICHAEL BAY, I HOPE A BEAR RAPES YOU THE WAY YOU RAPED MY MIND!


Sunday, June 12, 2011

WHO THE FOK ARE YOU?

Advertisement goes trough different trends in order to appeal to the constantly changing demographics that they want to target. It's very nature is pretty much to mimic whatever happens to be popular at the moment in order to get the attention of the public. Well, the latest fad to come from the great minds of the people trying to get you to buy shit you don't need has made me realize that humanity is doomed.

The type of ads I'm talking about are what I refer to as "Random advertisement". You have seen them, I'm talking about the Old Spice or Dairy Queen commercials that look like they where designed by a team of six year old boys with A.D.D on a steady diet of Pixie Styx and crack cocaine. This is scary because that means that after spending millions on research, the marketing departments concluded this was the type of ad campaign that was going to get the job done. Commercials that are saturated with as much random imagery and nonsensical crap as they can fit and give you absolutely no information about the product they are trying to sell.

This one is about car insurance!

So I started wondering what exactly had led the intellects in advertisement to go this route. At first I thought it had to do specifically with the positive reaction caused when we see something comical and unexpected. You want whatever product you are selling to be associated with good feelings, and funny happens to be one of those good feelings I'm talking about, so it would only make sense to fill your ad with lots of unexpected hilarious crap. I know I'm guilty of using this technique, and reality is we have been doing since the beginning of time! Research shows that in ancient Egypt the dudes that painted the inside of the pyramids thought it would be hilarious to give people animal heads just for kicks. (That will be a fact once Wikipedia lifts the ban on my i.p. address for that article I wrote about myself being a Dinosaur Samurai Zombie-hunter!)

THE FACT A GOOGLE SEARCH FOR WHAT I JUST WROTE HAD ACTUAL RESULTS RESTORES MY FAITH IN HUMANITY
(All credit and mad respect yo, to  TomBerryArtist)


Reality is however, that the reason for random shit commercials is very simple. The advertising industry is incapable of packaging the very complex concept of individuality. 

Being an individual is difficult. From the moment we are cognitive we get two conflicting statements that warp our perception. "We are all the same" and "You are very special". As if that's not enough to fok with your noggin, then you have to grow up in a world where you have to find a balance between expressing yourself and fitting in with the crowd. Throughout our entire life there's a major struggle to find our place in the universe. This creates a very ironic phenomenon, in order to give worth to that which makes us different from everyone else, we have to create groups with people that are just like us and will accept us. Humans have a need to belong so we tend to group together with similar people and reject that which we don't agree with. Creating these cliques and giving them exclusivity allows us to feel like we are being original but without having to be a complete outcast. This model worked because the lack of access to information made the world a scary place. You could stand out but not too much. The last thing a group of uninformed people needed was some random asshole being all cocky trying to show how different he or she was from the rest of us!

BEING DIFFERENT HAS ALWAYS BEEN A LITTLE DIFFICULT

But nowadays we tend to be a bit more tolerant of innovation because the internet has given us access to so much cultural data and we have realized that creativity is a rare commodity, and that everything we thought was a new idea has been done before. More and more it feels like there's nothing special about ourselves, the music we like is sampled over and over, the fashion we wear is just a mix of things worn in previous decades, the television we watch is just a repackaging of the same stories over and over with new characters and the movies that impress us are usually a remake of a remake of a remake based on a book that was possibly based on true story! (You got caught James Cameron, Avatar is just space Pocahontas)

So we crave innovation and it has actually become a struggle to find what it is that makes us different from the millions out there! It happened to me. One of my attempts to establish my very own individuality was changing the way I spell the word "fuck" to "fok". "Foking genius" I thought. Not only could I get past the filters on my phone and certain webpages that don't allow expletives, but I had just come up with a way to spell the word just how my accent makes it sound. This would undeniably be my footprint in the universe, a way to let it know "I AM FOKEN ANDY, UNIVERSE, FOK YOU AS I SHALL NOT FOKING CONFORM! Imagine my rage when two weeks later my call to individuality was being casually thrown around on facebook and my utter disappointment when the week after I found out "Fok" was the original spelling for "fuck" and it dates back to England around 1066.

IT'S HARD TO BE ORIGINAL

So how does this tie in with those random ads I was talking about? Well, the advertisement industry is is based on creativity which is a rare trait, and it has to appeal to an audience that is going to purchase products.That audience is us, and marketers have noticed that we are in a quest to stand out. They are capitalizing on our insecurities by trying to package and sell us that individuality we desperately seek but because it's hard to come up with a new concept and expect everyone to embrace it they take a safe approach. They produce ads that copy the way a teenager tries to establish her or himself in the world. With relatively safe random nonsensical acts of stupidity and rebellion. The ads are the equivalent of my 14 year old self purposely wearing my shoes untied to prove how different I was. That is the reason why a deodorant commercial has a black guy screaming at me while pulling puppies out of a guitar and a foken ice cream commercial features rainbows on fire. Sure I haven't seen it before, and sure it's funny, but it's not designed to sell us the product based on how well it performs but rather on the fact that we will confuse randomness with innovation and that appeals to the part of us that wants to be different without endangering our status in society. We don't care what the product is. We simply identify with all the random imagery and think to ourselves "Hey, this is pretty crazy stuff but I can identify as I too am random and original"

Perfect example is actually my favorite commercial right now. It's the Heineken one where the guy goes to the party and it's cooler and better at everything than everyone else but everyone loves and respects him and the band plays an awesome song! That commercial touched me. That dude was foken awesome, he stood apart amongst the crowd yet was embraced by all. Hell, I went right out and bought myself a Heineken expecting it to up my individuality and coolness quotient at least 10 points, but when I took that first sip I realized that I hate that beer because it tastes like peanutty piss water and that if I met a cocky prick like that in real life I would probably hate him just as much.

I WISH THEY SPENT THIS MUCH ENERGY INTO MAKING BETTER BEER

So in the end I realized that this "innovative" school of thought in advertisement is just a cheap marketing ploy. And it's a really bad one at that. Because the nature of advertisement is to make as many people as possible buy the same exact thing it's almost ridiculous to appeal to a persons need for individualism, so when they figured out they couldn't just outright say "buy this and you will be different" they simply chose to associate the product to crazy cool randomness to appeal to our need to be spontaneous and it totally worked. The only good thing is that because it actually did work, then it will undoubtedly go trough the process that all innovation goes trough once it finds acceptance. It will become mainstream which leads to it being bottled and marketed to the point of saturation at which time it is deemed uncool and conformist then it will be forgotten!

And that's just it, our individuality is a very personal thing. I had to accept that "foken" was not my creation and will never be used exclusively by me and that's fine, because one word or one product or one action is not what makes me who I am, but rather my understanding of who I was in the past, my acceptance of  myself today and my motivation to always strive for self improvement in the future.

Marketers do not understand that individuality is not based on how different we are from the rest of the world or how exclusive the groups we belong to are and most definitely not on how much crazy shit we can mix together. Unfortunately that brings me to my final point. You might be wondering why I said that the world is doomed because of all this? Well a certain person realized that being random and ridiculous was an untapped gold mine. That she could capitalize by becoming the spoke person for stupid. Ask yourself who the main source of crazy today is? Who keeps making the news with all that unexpected crap and has millions of followers ready to do her bidding?  Who is hailed as the queen of random and looked up to by hordes of impressionable people yearning to be a little different from everyone else?


PATIENT ZERO

Only a matter of time before meat dresses go mainstream which will somehow mutate mad cow disease into mad person disease which will undoubtedly bring forth the Zombie Apocalypse!

Don't say I didn't warn you!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

MONKEY PROOF WALLS!

I noticed a growing trend of people taking red lights on the road and I got to thinking. Using my basic knowledge of the "Darwin law of evolution" and "Natural Selection" in nature, I have come up with a theory to solve all the problems of the world! I stand in the shoulders of giants and use their knowledge, taking it one step further and playing "God" I will advance the human race towards evolution.

All it takes is walls.

Hear me out. Traffic lights function with 3 colors. Green means that you can go. Yellow is a warning that the light is close to changing and you should slow down. Red means stop.

I suggest changing the red light to a mechanism that springs a heavy iron wall from the ground right behind the crosswalk in front of the line in the road where the car should stop. This of course would happen on red right after the yellow warning sign. Any one trying to take the red light will without a doubt crash into the wall.

GOOD FOKEN JUJUBEE ANDY, WHAT WOULD THAT ACCOMPLISH?

The purpose or rather "purposes" of this seemingly trivial change to the traffic light will be explained corresponding the list of the type of people that take red lights.

DID NOT SEE IT OR COULD NOT SEE COLOR
Since traffic lights are huge objects with bulbs so bright that you can even see them in the day light, and the D.O.T. add hues of orange and blue so that the colorblind can see them too, then the person obviously has foken bad eyesight. By eliminating these assholes from the gene pool, the overall sense of sight of the human race will improve reducing the amount of children that have trouble learning because of eye problems and creating a smarter human race.

DID NOT HAVE TIME TO STOP
This one is easy. The basic traffic light has an average delay period of 5 to 10 seconds between yellow and red. Don't think 5 seconds is enough time, put a lighter flame to your crotch for that long and talk to me about foken reaction time. If your reflexes are so bad that you can't switch your foot from one pedal to the other in at least 5 seconds you don't deserve to reproduce, and whats the point of living if your not allowed to get your freaky freak on? With these monkeys dead, overall reflexes will improve throughout the planet. By the year 2030 a human being will be able to catch a bullet in his/her teeth, making guns obsolete. World peace will be achieved.

DISTRACTED BY... (CELL PHONE, KIDS, PET..ETC.) 
The average car weights 2000 pounds. The average driver reaches a cruising speed of 50 miles per hour. If you don't think that being inside this much metal at that much speed is worth 100% your attention, then you are obviously not fully there. Foken Focus dickweeds! FOCUS! Look forward, accelerate, see obstacle, decelerate, turn when necessary. Not hard huh? In any case, Once the distracted assfarts in our population Darwin themselves out of the gene pool, overall IQs will rise beyond any previous charts. Humans will be able to use 80% their brain by the year 2080 allowing teleportation. Cars become useless. Greenhouse effect stops, Earth turns to paradise.

"I TOUGHT I COULD BEAT THE YELLOW"
My closing argument. The law is very simple. Each light has its own action. 3 foken choices. Go, Slow down, STOP. The douchebags that think that they are above this simple law are more than likely the same monkeys that will be O.K. breaking other laws. "Oh, I tought I could rob your house and rape your dog as long as you didn't notice!" FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! Eliminating these monkeys will finalize my solution. Crime rates will drop. The need for police or any kind of law for that matter will be obsolete, Governments will disban and the world will reach a state of eutopia by the year 3000.

All materials are copyrighted and I already started a petition here in Miami, vote YES on MONKEY PROOF WALLS TRANSPORTATION ACT OF 2011.


"BEST DOCUMENTARY EVER"


Thank your for listening, also, if any questions or doubts you are more than encouraged to ask in the comment section as I think my plan is airtight and will be more than happy to ignore you.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

FACEBOOK'S LIKE BUTTON WILL DESTROY THE WORLD

I completely understand the concept behind Social Networks. They are a fantastic idea. The googlemachines trully are a beautiful way of bringing the world closer together and we have seen the benefits of using intertubes technology in order to accomplish worthwhile goals just like recent events in Egypt or the Anonymous protests on Scientology..... However it is my professional opinion that the "like" button feature in Facebook will bring about the foken end of the world. 

I know it sounds a little extreme, but it's foken true. Innocent as it may seem, that little bastard is an S.T.D. (Socially Transmitted Disease {totally made that one up} ) that slowly eats away at the Frontal Lobes of your brain which apparently are connected to your social skills. Doesn't matter what I post, even if it's an open ended question, people have lost their mastery of conversation and they simply opt to press the foken "like" button. It's kind of like cavemen offering a dry single grunt to acknowledge your awesome taking down of a foken T-Rex all on your own with nothing but a toothpick.

  LIKE
It's getting ridonculous. You think I'm kidding when I compare it to a disease, but look at the way it behaves. One of your friends has it. You know he/she does because all they do is post the shit they like and when you post there's never a coherent response, just that retarded little thumbs up that lets you know they acknowledge your existence, but you are not worthy enough of 10 seconds worth of typing. This really doesn't matter to you because who cares right? Then one day you are reading your friends update and even though you totally agree with what they posted about Coke Zero or the Deterioration of Human Empathy in a Forced Consumerist Market or whatever, you draw a foken blank. You have nothing to say. Not even about Coke Zero. Your mouse starts sliding towards that little word. Your subconscious screams at you, trying to remind you of the times when your opinions where complex aspects based on experience and convictions, but your conscious brain just hears Charlie Brown's squawking teacher. You have a feeling that things should not be like this, but struggle as you may, not a single cohesive sentence forms in the language center of your noggin so with no other option your index finger clicks "like" and you die a little inside. You feel ashamed, but just like a herpes outbreak, every following episode is just a little easier than the one before.

Worst part about this S.T.D. is that it's both aggressive and degenarative to a very bad extent. You see, the "like" button is too ambiguous, too foken vague, so it's use should have a certain amount of restriction, even self discipline. I will illustrate my point. The assumption is 1 person posting with 100 friends on Facebook over a period of 5 weeks.

WEEK 1
ORIGINAL POST: I'm on my way to school!
NUMBER OF LIKES: 4
NUMBER OF COMMENTS: 20
SAMPLE: Me too, I got class around 10, we should meet for coffee.
OBSERVATION: Complex sentences, good grammar, rational thought.

WEEK 2
ORIGINAL POST: Should I buy the new Lady Gaga record?
NUMBER OF LIKES: 8
NUMBER OF COMMENTS: 15
SAMPLE: NO, Why the fok would you do that? That bitch is retarded!
OBSERVATION: Ability to answer and formulate questions and offer good advice still present!

WEEK 3
ORIGINAL POST: I'm not having a good day, this sucks.
NUMBER OF LIKES: 35
NUMBER OF COMMENTS: 10
SAMPLE: That sucks.
OBSERVATION: Simple sentences only. Lack of comprehension for the implication of what pressing "like" might mean when the original post indicates a negative feeling.

WEEK 4
ORIGINAL POST: Wow, there was a 9.0 earthquake in Japan
NUMBER OF LIKES: 50
 NUMBER OF COMMENTS: 5
SAMPLE: dat suxs
OBSERVATION: Language skills regressing to child like levels. Clicking "like" has become autonomous.

WEEK 5
ORIGINAL POST: like
NUMBER OF LIKES: like
NUMBER OF COMMENTS: like
SAMPLE: like
OBSERVATION: like

By this point the S.T.D. has spread beyond any means of controlling it. So my suggestion is to pull out your emergency Zombie Survival Kit and making your way to the nearest fortified building hoping for the best. 

There's no like button on blogger so leave me a foken comment.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

SORRY LADIES, THIS ONE IS FOR THE GUYS!

Imagine if you will, it's a sunny day in Miami, nice breeze keeping things just cool enough to where the rays of sunshine feel like heaven on your skin. You are making your way down the street when there she is... Everything you have ever wanted on a woman packaged perfectly into the hottest little Betty you have ever feasted your sight with. You catch a glimpse of that perfect hair playfully being tossed around by the wind. A gorgeous smile on a porcelain face as you work your way down, to a curvaceous body planted firmly on thunder thighs and the longest legs followed by MODAFOKEN JESUS SANDALS. WHAT THE FOKEN FOK FOK?

Who the hell told girls that shit is sexy? There's a foken reason shoe technology has moved away from a flat piece of leather attached to your foot by string. It exposes your feet to dirt, it doesn't protect you from rocks and other debris and those strings make your legs look like Christmas ham wrapped on that netting. It's foken horrendous. For the last 28 years of my life the only time I have seen those sandals has been on Jesus, Roman Gladiators and lately that turd pile Naruto. You are not going to convince me now that this is hot or somethIng. Matter of fact, you are ruining my life because I'm terrified to check out girls. Those damned things have created an association that has been forced on my head between women's footwear and Colin Farrel or all those dudes from 300. THAT'S NOT THE IMAGES I WANT IN MY HEAD WHEN I'M TRYING TO DECIDE IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE MY FUTURE EX-WIFE!

Anyhow. Fok those sandals.



Monday, February 21, 2011

T.V. HAS TAUGHT ME I SHOULDN'T DO SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING! NEITHER SHOULD YOU!

From a very young age I was taught that helping others and standing up for what you believe is the right thing to do. My parents always said that if I felt there was something wrong with the world, I should take action and help make it better. I guess my mom and dad don't love me as much as I thought because if they ever saw the news (and I know they did) then the would know that was possibly the shittiest piece of a advice I have ever gotten!

Whenever I get a glance at a T.V., or read a newspaper or listen to the radio and hear a news report on activists, I wonder what the fok did I do to piss of my parents so much that they would basically push me towards a certain doom. I mean if you run across any reports on activism, you come to realize that anyone partaking in such tomfoolery fits into two very recognizable categories. One is the tree-hugging, pothead and annoyingly vegan hippie. The other, located in the opposite side of the spectrum, is a violent, riot-starting looting anarchist. There's no foking gray area here. One way or the other, some shit is going to get lit up on fire, either some fire-ass kush or some poor asshole's grocery store! I don't know if such labels are fair, but I thank the totally fair and unbiased media for showing me that sacrificing my beliefs and values hurts a lot less than taking a taser to the head and a nightstick to the gonads!
SERVING AND PROTECTING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU

It's no foken wonder the world is the way it is. The only two groups willing to take action to change things are more competent at reinforcing their negative images in the fair and balanced media than getting their unclear message across to the public. I sometimes find myself watching the news, and we all know how boring the foken news are. Free speech/censorship this, discrimination that, violation of civil rights here, complete disregard for constitutional rights over there...... Great balls all that shit is irrelevant and boring, but I don't mind it because I know the fun part is coming. Somewhere out there, the hippies and the anarchists have decided to do something about some of that crazy crap they believe in and things can only end in awesome!

That's probably the only good thing about activists. Whether hippie or anarchist, they never disappoint. I have yet to see a broadcast about a protest that actually accomplished something (FOK YOU INDIA AND EGIPT YOUR SHIT DON'T COUNT CAUSE THIS HERE IS AMERIKUH). Anyhow, all this shit always ends the same, hippies and anarchists being maced and tasered and beaten down. This reinforces the gut feeling I have that standing up for what I believe is just too much of a hassle. Is that what you wanted mom and dad? Foken jerks!

The media has done something great by simplifying all this "positive" bullshit called activism into just two classes because it makes them so easy to identify. Let's take for example the last report I saw on the web.  I knew it was about hippies because of their modus operandi. Apparently migrant farmers in California where having issues with the State and the Taco Bell company. California wants to take land they haven't finished paying for to build new housing and the farmers are annoyed because the land belongs to them and that's where they plant their crops and make their living with or whatever. To add insult to injury, Taco Bell is underpaying the farmers for their tomato crops and their labor which doesn't allow them to buy the land from the government. Now you know if it has to do with anything green, the hippies are firing up their hybrids and rushing there. I was online reading the story about all this drama and apparently these guys had decided to help out, so they did what they do best. They threw a party. Every time hippies want something accomplished they get together to protest but always end up throwing some really kick ass gettys. The website didn't really focus on the farmers an their struggle too much so I don't really know what happened to them, but apparently the party was awesome. It was a concert with some big names and there was drugs and alcohol involved. I read a bit of an interview with Tom Morello and found links to his MySpace page. There was some advertisement for some apparently very comfy hemp shoes and something called legal bud, but then this really cool pop-up about a six layered multi-cheese quesadilla came on the screen. All that shit about Mexican food made me hungry so I went and got some Taco Bell.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO TAKE ACTION

Now the anarchists are a bit more fun to watch. They have some good shows about them like Whale Wars, where a very angry and violent group of environmental pacifists attack whaling boats with stink bombs and some very harsh words. But the most accurate picture you can get about the anarchist would be the news reports live on FOX. Every time the anarchists go on their supposed peaceful marches I sit back with some pop corn and let the magic happen. It doesn't matter what they are marching about, it always ends the same way. They don't follow the rules for an organized, non disruptive, quiet protest that won't interfere with daily life so the police have to politely remind them to stay orderly with bean bag shot guns to the face, some well placed tear gas grenades and the always funny taser. I never find out what the anarchists are protesting about either because the reports seem to focus on the chaos after the demonstrations. What I do know is that these guys foken love being beaten and handcuffed.

I'm not happy with the way things are, and probably neither are you. But let's be honest here. Pick up or watch or listen to any media broadcast on activism and you will come to the same conclusion. Why would anyone sane try to stand up for what they believe? I rather take a little bit of oppression than let anyone see me on T.V. in the middle of a hippie smoke fest or one of those riots. The media gives this people a fair amount of coverage, but they don't seem to want to get any messages across, and instead all reports on activism are broadcast because of the entertainment value activists provide. There are a lot of things I feel are wrong with this world, but unfortunately the media has proven that there is no point in activism getting an actual message out when what you have to say is not as noticeable as the image the media has placed upon you. My asshole parents told me to stand up for what I believe, but I don't think I'll be passing that advice on to my children. Who cares about the tyrant governments and the rampart capitalist machines of the world when I can comfortably sit in my couch with future generations being entertained by all those silly little fokers that actually do something to bring about change.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

EXPERIMENT

Hello,
Somehow you have made it here to my little bit of Intertubes real state. Whether you found this place because I told you or because of your horrible luck; Welcome!

This blog is a bit of an experiment. I don't know the how or the what or the why, but I'm sure I will figure it out at some point or another. I wanted an outlet for all that little background noise in the back of my head so after careful consideration (see "SAUCY") I decided to whore myself for attention and start a "blog".

So unfortunately for the world here I am. And if you are reading this, then here you are with me. Like I said, I don't really know where all this is going. I guess I could compare it to my first time. I'm going in without a foken clue of what I'm doing, drunk as hell and I'll probably cry a little at the end (You can stop smiling, I'm talking about rugby.)

What I hope is that once they are posted, my ideas and my opinions and my Guinness-fueled rants are as entertaining and funny and educational as they where before they left my brain. Just in case here's a disclaimer.

ALL THIS SHIT SOUNDED AWESOME IN MY HEAD. HAD TO BE THERE!

So if you find yourself staring blankly at the screen, with that awkward feeling you get when the cute puppy eyed Girl Scouts ask you to buy their cookies and you tell them you don't have money and then as you walk out your bag breaks and it spills the $85 dollars worth of booze and Trojan products you just purchased, and the entire troop including the mothers looks at you like you are the scum of the earth...... FOK YOU GIRL SCOUTS, STOP JUDGING ME YOU FEMINAZI CRACK-FILLED COOKIE PEDDLERS! True story, but I digress.

So anyhow, I don't have a set plan yet, but I know at some point or another I want to include multimedia and contests and other crap besides my writing to keep things interesting. It's kind of like uploading my brain to the Intertubes which is really a terrifying thought because there's a chance this "experiment" is some sort of catalyst for an Artificial Stupidity based cataclysm. How retarded awesome would that be though? Well, for me really. The majority of the world is pretty much foked. Not you though. You are reading my blog and you are going to leave me a comment. That's the only reason you are safe. So you better subscribe and read and comment often. And if you want to save your friends and loved ones make them subscribe and read  and comment too. Andynet has become self aware!
GOOD TIMES!