WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

CRAZY LIKE A FOX, HOW AN ADVENTURE WAS BORN! ( DAY 1 - 2:15 A.M. )

This blog entry will be written on my cell phone as events happen since I probably won't have access to a computer on my journey and I don't want any details left out. I just made it home home from a hell of a night at the bar, man I must have had like a bathtub of beer and at least a gallon of Tequila. Anyhow I found that the dumb-dumb box had a marathon of some sort of survival show going on. These things really anger the Y part of my chromosomal makeup because it's all pretend. Usually some pansy with specially designed gear and a camera crew spends one day inside some natural preserve and that's enough to impress every nancy-boy that has never tapped into their animal nature. But they are not fooling me. I know I would do just as good, if not better if I found myself in a survival situation, so I have decided to prove it.

I don't have access to a helicopter or safety gear or fancy film equipment and I live in a fairly large metropolitan area so taking nature head on might be out of the question. This is why I have decided on the next best thing. I am arming myself with my phone to record my quest and a wooden spoon ( The blood level in my alcohol system might be a little high and I don't think it's responsible to carry a knife). With my gear ready and after hydrating myself with tall glass of Patron, I will now attempt to make it back home after being dropped off at random location in the furthest reaches of the concrete jungle known as Miami.

ADVENTURE FUEL!

HOW TO GET READY FOR AWESOME! ( DAY 1 - 2:30 A.M. )

In order to create realism I decided to blindfold myself, duct tape my gear to my butt cheeks and strip down to my boxers then be dropped off at random. I thought that my journey had met it's end before it began when I couldn't convince any of the taxicabs I called for to take me. Finally they sent a more manly, special taxicab. It had blue and red shining lights so that deaf people would know it had arrived.

THE CHARIOT OF THE BRAVE

I shook hands with the brave driver and asked him his name. "Opheezer Vasquez" he said. "Opheezer, that sounds Swedish" I said trying to make small talk. I congratulated him on his testicular fortitude. He helped me to the back seat and I told him about the quest I was embarking on. He was both extremely pleasant and encouraging, reassuring me that "everything was going to be alright". I knew he doubted what he said as I looked at the reflection of his eyes in the rear view mirror right trough the privacy fence. I tried to ease his concern, but as I began to speak I released the fish tacos I had at the bar trough the fence and into his box of donuts. I guess the nerves where finally getting to me, and I thought he was going to be pretty upset but instead he showed me how much he believed in me by actually putting a black duffel bag over my head as I had planned from the beginning.

We didn't speak much after that because we both knew that I had to focus on the tasks at hand. I began to concentrate in order to mentally prepare myself. I cleared my mind of all background noise using ancient Buddhist techniques and I guess I must have done it pretty good because I don't remember a lot after that. When I finally left my deep meditative state I realized we had stopped moving, the blindfold was off and I was being dragged by my friend Opheezer. My body wasn't responding because of the high level of mental peace I had reached, so he carried me away from the taxicab, off the side of the road just like I had planned all along, Opheezer wanted to help as much as he could and in order to create the realism of a survival situation, he knew that we had to step it up a notch. If you survive a plane crash, you will probably have some injuries, so Opheezer began to punch and kick me with all his strength to simulate plane crash injuries. Once the damage was believable he pushed me down a ditch. As I floated face down on the muddy water of some unknown canal I realized two things. My journey had just started, and it was all possible thanks to a courageous man named Opheezer Vasquesz, my new friend for life!

 THE FRIENDSHIP STICK

ALL JOURNEY'S BEGIN WITH THE FIRST STEP!  ( DAY 1 5:45 A.M. )

After a little more meditation I finally decided that in order to finish my quest I had to actually get started. I slowly pulled myself out of the water and sat at it's edge. I proceeded to pull the duct tape pouch securely attached to my posterior and log all the events that led me to the first step of my travels on my phone. I also armed myself with my spoon ready for any wildlife that may think I would make an easy meal on my weakened state. I knew that I should try to reach the high ground in order to survey my location, but that's when I found my simulated plane crash injuries where quite real and I couldn't reach the top of the ditch. I used the duct tape to fashion a sling for my left arm and placed my phone on that hand while holding my wooden spoon weapon on my right and decided to follow the canal since civilization tends to spring around water sources. By the time I began walking I noticed that it was almost sunrise. I was on my way.

IN GETTING LOST, ONE FINDS HIMSELF! ( DAY 1 7:00 A.M. )

Just as the light of dawn slowly breaks trough the dusk, my senses where slowly breaking trough the darkness of my deep meditation. I noticed that I wasn't really in a canal but rather in a small lake so I had been going in circles around it for quite some time. Also, I realized I was freaking starving. My body was doing it's best to heal from the simulated plane crash, but it needed to be fueled. I had to acquire sustenance quickly. I found walking uphill a little easier now so I was pleased when I reached the top. Imagine my surprise when not far from my point of emergence I spotted a tribe of pigmy people surrounding some sort of sacred hut.

 THE NOW EXTINCT PIGMY PEOPLE TRIBE

I ran towards them holding my spoon at the ready in case they where hostile and stopped just a few feet short of where they where gathered. They observed me with curiosity as I did them. I was amazed by their short stature and the weird patterns in their garments as well as the hunting bags attached to their backs. That's when I noticed that a few of them where carrying in their hands small square boxes that smelled of food. I moved a few steps closer and they took a defensive formation by moving closer to each other. I pointed at the boxes of food and grunted hoping they would understand. I must have not gotten the message trough because the ones with food began moving towards the back of the pack. I decided that my survival was a higher priority than any political relations I could establish with this tribe so I attacked. If their fighting skills are any indication of their desire to survive then it is no wonder the pigmy people are almost extinct. I was able to incapacitate all 12 of their fiercest warriors with my wooden spoon. I quickly pulled the loot from the boxes and filled one of their hunting back packs with it, running away to a safe place to enjoy the loot. I imagine this encounter will become part of their oral tradition. A tale of  an invincible creature in the jungle that demands a food sacrifice to appease it's anger.

 A STATUE ERECTED AT THE PIGMY VILLAGE TO WARN OTHER TRIBESMEN

This incredible first contact taught me something about myself and about this previously undiscovered tribe. I don't know my own strength and pigmy people are a terrible warriors.  Now I will eat and rest a bit in order to continue my journey.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS ( DAY 1 - 8:30 )

I just woke up in some bushes by the elementary school close to my house. I'm only wearing boxers and I have a book bag full of Lunchables I don't remember ever owning or buying. There's police cars everywhere and I don't remember anything since I got to the bar yesterday for happy hour. I found blogger open on my phone and it's about to die so if you are reading this bring me some clothes because I need to be at work in half an hour. My exact location is.....

LESSONS LEARNED FROM RANDOM THINGS!

My Grandfather was a wise man. He had an almost encyclopedic knowledge about anything you could think of asking him, but the really impressive part was that when he wasn't sure, he used his wonderful imagination and unequivocal common sense to come up with something that was as close to fact if not more so than whatever the real answer was.... What I'm saying is my Grandfather was Wikipedia before the internet was even plugged in!

In any case, I always admired this quality of his, and as I grew older I wondered what a man had to do in ordered to collect the vast knowledge my Grandfather seemed to possess. Well, WikiGrandpa had the answer for that too! "Never stop paying attention." he said, "Everyone AND everything has a story to tell and a lesson to teach"!

Well, I took this to heart and so now I give you a compilation of lessons I have learned from  everything around me! Tips that will hopefully help you with school, life, love and maybe even sex! Sound advice from a guy that can't get his crap together so seriously, listen at your own risk!

RUGBY and FRIENDSHIP

    I play Rugby which is a fantastic sport. If you don't know what I'm talking about I highly recommend a quick Youtube search! Its like being in the middle of the movie 300 except with more fat guys and less homoerotic undertones! For the most part. But I digress, the point is that rugby is a game where there is no such thing as a superstar player! No matter how fast and tough you are, you can't win the game unless you have the support of the rest of the team, because the moment things go wrong, you will find yourself alone and lose the ball. To me, that is EXACTLY how a good circle of friends should be! A group of friends should work together to win at life. Sure everyone may have a different position and may take a different approach, but the constant should be that the moment things get heavy, everyone else should be there to support and push and fight to make sure no one is left alone in the field carrying a ball and having to face everything on their own! You don't just follow the guy that scores all the time, you follow everyone so that you build a strong bond! This way, when you end up with the ball in your hands, you don't have to look back, you just trust that your team and friends will be there if things get tough!

ZOMBIES and FINANCES

    Picture if you will a day just like today. You are sitting there, doing whatever it is that you are doing when you hear some noise outside. You get up and walk to the window to see what the commotion is and that's when you spot a group of zombies chasing Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Katy Perry! Welcome to the Zombie Apocalypse! You may be asking yourself if I have gone crazy or what any of this has to do with finances, and if this is the case then I ask you to have a bit more faith in my hereditary ability to bullshit and I warn you, question my sanity again and I will be forced to send my army of Ninja Space Monkeys after you. With that said, the lesson here is to practice survival mode and be prepared! Just like Z Day, you never know when financial adversity will strike, and the only way to survive is to be ready! Now you may be thinking that stockpiling a cache of food and weapons or money is enough, but the reality is that if you don't practice how to use both your arms and your cash in a tight situation then you won't make it far when the real disaster goes down! This is actually how I learned to save money! Pretend my car broke down and it's a $200 dollar fix. That money gets put away and remains untouched as if it was a real scenario and I survive on cereal for 2 weeks so that the cash is there when I really need it for an emergency or to bribe the customs agent so I can have my one time use hand made Chinese silk pajama pants. Point is preparedness is not just having the resources but the ability to use them at a moments notice, follow this advice and just like me you will be ready when the scenario I proposed happens and just like me you too can save humanity when you see Gaga and Bieber and Perry running for their lives, and you pull out your sniper rifle, pop one in each of their ankles and enjoy the show!

SEX and VIDEOGAMES

I'm dividing this one as advice for each corresponding gender and I'm trusting that you will only read the one that applies. Also I want to assure this is simply a gross oversimplification about male and female sexuality that does not take into account feelings!

    FOR THE GENTLEMEN

    Honor system ladies, remember the Ninja Space Monkeys, I'm not afraid to use them, skip to the next section.... O.K., now that they are gone here it is, there's two types of women when it comes to sex, it's up to you to figure it out so that you can please her. The first type is like your first console, let's say a Nintendo with Mario Bros. Once you start playing its pretty intuitive and each button does something specific, there really isn't much to figure out so now its up to you to see how good can you get at the game. You could probably play for hours but if you don't develop your technique things will get repetitive. Be inventive and you will always have fun! The second Type is more like the current consoles. Let's say PS3 with Modern Warfare! You start playing and you realize you don't really know what everything does so you have to take your time to figure out each function, you might play a few rounds and not do very well because you haven't learned the controls yet, but if you really slow down and pay attention you will develop the right technique and begin to enjoy the game. After some time things become second nature and before you know it you are leveling up like a boss and getting all kind of achievements you weren't expecting. Patience and attention will help you master and thoroughly enjoy each game!

    FOR THE LADIES

    Well, I was just telling the men about respect and totally not reinforcing sexist stereotypes, matter of fact I just copy and pasted something from the Cosmo website. Boring stuff really. Actually what I wrote up there actually applies to men too, if you already went through it then shame on you, but let me add to that just a little more. My advice for you ladies is very simple. Whether we like you or not we are probably going to let you play videogames with us, but only if we like you are we going to really enjoy ourselves, let you win and won't care what buttons you where pressing and you know exactly what I mean!

SCHOOL and DRIVING

    Driving is one of my favorite things to do. School, not so much, at least not until I realized how the way I drive could be applied to my behavior at school. I truly enjoy driving. I could be stuck in traffic and seriously could fill a pool with the amount of damns I just don't give! When I go out for a drive I feel comfortable. I focus on the road and pay attention to everything around me but only take in the information that truly matters like traffic signals while ignoring the distractions that serve no purpose but to stop me from my destination like that cheerleader car wash. And that's the problem I suspect must of us have in school. We know where the hell we need to go, but there's so many obstacles and distractions that the ride stops being enjoyable and we just become frustrated and either turn around and go home or barely do what we can to get there. But just like driving, you are in control. You choose what station you listen to, you choose the speed at which you drive, you choose what route to take and you choose to drive past that car wash because in the end they are not paying for your gas and could care less where you end up after you leave there!

DRINKING AND MARTIAL ARTS

    If you know me, you probably have had a beer with me at one point or another, if you don't, then you will when you meet me. Because that's the first thing you should do when you find yourself in my glorious presence. You should buy me a pint of Guinness. This will bring you good fortune. Anyhow, I love me some brew. I enjoy beer and partake on it's consumption. Nowadays I sit down and have a couple glasses of good craft beers and tend to enjoy the finer brews, but that's because I earned my black belt. When I first started, I drank like a frat boy and held records at my local hospital for most abuse to the liver in one weekend and had an honorary mention for most likely to flirt with a defibrillator. So basically I was in the Cobra Kai school of drinking. I wanted to pick every fight and walked around with a false sense of pride because I knew I could beat everyone around me. But that's not the point of martial arts, and it sure as hell isn't the point of having a drink. Just like the old masters teach us that "We learn to fight, so we don't have to", I feel that we kind of  "Learn to drink, so we don't have to". Let me explain. Sure it seems cool to be able to down a bottle of Jack Daniels by yourself, but are you enjoying yourself any more than the guy that's having a couple shots to get a nice buzz going and actually remembers what happened that night without the killer hangover? When you drink, you must be like the ancient masters. Able to whoop everyone's ass, but no one around you should be able to suspect a thing! Martial Arts teach you discipline and push your limits so that you know yourself and can use your skills responsibly and that's the approach you should take when you drink. Know what you can drink, know when to stop, and know what you can or cannot handle. Also, practice regularly and with good company!

So there you have it. Just a couple pearls of wisdom from me to you. Don't bother thanking me, but specially don't bother complaining when none of this works because I probably won't remember typing it since I downed 2 bottles of cough syrup before I got started and I sure as hell can't be held liable for the crap my brain is spewing. May the force be with you!