Tuesday, September 3, 2013

SURVIVAL STORY

I haven't written in a while, so I thought I would share this while I get the next couple blogs ready. It's a transcript from a conversation with a really awesome lady friend of mine so sorry about the format. Anyhow, enjoy.

I was working graveyard about 2 weeks ago


They needed me there because I guess they wanted a big guy to work for crowd control so no one would steal stuff and I got stuck with that shift.

Why they picked me, I do not understand, I am the least threatening fool in the book.


THE FACE OF TERROR

Anyhow, it's about 5 or 6 in the morning and all that's left walking around is hookers and drunks, which is entertaining in it's own and makes the night go by faster.


Out of nowhere comes this beast of a woman. She's a freaking Titan, I mean foking The Rock on an evening dress and high heels.

And she is shithoused.


And she is definitely hunting down a Mr. Right now.

And of course out of her peripherals she sees me standing outside the liquor store just jamming to some Red Hot Chili Peppers.

And she stops.

So I foken know exactly what's going to happen, and I figure if I stand still maybe she won't see me since I heard that their vision acuity is based on movement. 

But I must have been downwind because she catches my scent and beelines for the store with her sassiest walk, which I'm sure in her mind was fabulous. To my sober and perfectly aware ass however, it looks like a fight scene starring Jackie Chan as the drunken master.

She gets real coy as she gets close, but that's about as effective as a grizzly getting shy as it runs you down to eat you.


THIS IN HIGH HEELS

And she asks me for a light and if we are still open to buy alcohol.

I'm cornered, I have to help her now, so I hand her a book of matches and tell her that we are a 24 hour store. She gets all happy and says she's going to get herself some booze which I know is not going to be a good idea.

I politely but assertively let her know that although we do sell 24 hours, she seems a bit inebriated and I feel it's best to cut her off. I'm expecting her to get mad and hopefully walk away but of course that would have been too easy!

The beast starts trying to communicate with me, and she slurs something like, "Awwwe, you are taking care of me, my knight in shining armor" in what I can only describe as the accent of a California girl with a mouthful of peanut butter.

By this time RHCP song is over and Usher's "Nice and Slow" is playing.

So now she starts sensually dancing which to the casual observer seems more like she's playing charades with me and the answer is "Shower".

And she proceeds to slowly back that "thang" up towards me. 

That's when I was foken done!

Not only it is a violation of the companies standards of procedure, but I feared that if she made a sudden move I would get stuck between her ass cheeks and I had left my cell phone at my desk.

 

NEVER AGAIN

I did not want to relive the story from "127 Hours" specially because my version wouldn't have gotten a movie deal, so with the skills of a hunting cat I slipped out of the way and silently walked to the phone and called security.

Anyhow, This woman keeps backing up and her ass makes contact with one of the columns that line the store entrance, I guess she thinks it was me so she starts grinding the living monkey nuts out of that beam.

I'm freaking out because she's either going to figure out it's not me and blow up in my face, or possibly affect the structural integrity of the building, but thankfully the security guys get there, at which point I'm no longer the object of her lust and she gets escorted to her room to hibernate or whatever she does to get her rest.


SWEET DREAMS MY PRINCESS

And that's how I survived my encounter with a woman that I'm sure was some sort of alien probe into male sexuality from a giant planet.