Tuesday, September 3, 2013

SURVIVAL STORY

I haven't written in a while, so I thought I would share this while I get the next couple blogs ready. It's a transcript from a conversation with a really awesome lady friend of mine so sorry about the format. Anyhow, enjoy.

I was working graveyard about 2 weeks ago


They needed me there because I guess they wanted a big guy to work for crowd control so no one would steal stuff and I got stuck with that shift.

Why they picked me, I do not understand, I am the least threatening fool in the book.


THE FACE OF TERROR

Anyhow, it's about 5 or 6 in the morning and all that's left walking around is hookers and drunks, which is entertaining in it's own and makes the night go by faster.


Out of nowhere comes this beast of a woman. She's a freaking Titan, I mean foking The Rock on an evening dress and high heels.

And she is shithoused.


And she is definitely hunting down a Mr. Right now.

And of course out of her peripherals she sees me standing outside the liquor store just jamming to some Red Hot Chili Peppers.

And she stops.

So I foken know exactly what's going to happen, and I figure if I stand still maybe she won't see me since I heard that their vision acuity is based on movement. 

But I must have been downwind because she catches my scent and beelines for the store with her sassiest walk, which I'm sure in her mind was fabulous. To my sober and perfectly aware ass however, it looks like a fight scene starring Jackie Chan as the drunken master.

She gets real coy as she gets close, but that's about as effective as a grizzly getting shy as it runs you down to eat you.


THIS IN HIGH HEELS

And she asks me for a light and if we are still open to buy alcohol.

I'm cornered, I have to help her now, so I hand her a book of matches and tell her that we are a 24 hour store. She gets all happy and says she's going to get herself some booze which I know is not going to be a good idea.

I politely but assertively let her know that although we do sell 24 hours, she seems a bit inebriated and I feel it's best to cut her off. I'm expecting her to get mad and hopefully walk away but of course that would have been too easy!

The beast starts trying to communicate with me, and she slurs something like, "Awwwe, you are taking care of me, my knight in shining armor" in what I can only describe as the accent of a California girl with a mouthful of peanut butter.

By this time RHCP song is over and Usher's "Nice and Slow" is playing.

So now she starts sensually dancing which to the casual observer seems more like she's playing charades with me and the answer is "Shower".

And she proceeds to slowly back that "thang" up towards me. 

That's when I was foken done!

Not only it is a violation of the companies standards of procedure, but I feared that if she made a sudden move I would get stuck between her ass cheeks and I had left my cell phone at my desk.

 

NEVER AGAIN

I did not want to relive the story from "127 Hours" specially because my version wouldn't have gotten a movie deal, so with the skills of a hunting cat I slipped out of the way and silently walked to the phone and called security.

Anyhow, This woman keeps backing up and her ass makes contact with one of the columns that line the store entrance, I guess she thinks it was me so she starts grinding the living monkey nuts out of that beam.

I'm freaking out because she's either going to figure out it's not me and blow up in my face, or possibly affect the structural integrity of the building, but thankfully the security guys get there, at which point I'm no longer the object of her lust and she gets escorted to her room to hibernate or whatever she does to get her rest.


SWEET DREAMS MY PRINCESS

And that's how I survived my encounter with a woman that I'm sure was some sort of alien probe into male sexuality from a giant planet.    
  

Thursday, April 4, 2013

GUN CONTROL

This topic seems to be on a lot of peoples feed lately. I have seen some excellent arguments for both sides of the issue. I have also seen posts and rants so unbelievably dumb that it makes me wonder how that person managed to turn on the computer and type stuff down without their brain hemorrhaging or lightning striking them down purely out of principle. What I plan on writing will probably fall somewhere in between. So I'm guessing I'll make some slightly insightful points, get a headache and then get shocked by static electricity.

First things first. Here's the Second Amendment, From the Wikipedia entry and cross-referenced with Cornell University Law School, as ratified by the States and authenticated by Thomas Jefferson, Secretary of State:

A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed. 

There it is in all it's glory. 27 words out of which probably only 4 would get you a good score in Scrabble. Really foken simple stuff. I'm no lawyer, and English isn't my first language, but if I'm getting this right, all it says is that in order to ensure the government doesn't go all Hitlery or Staliny on our asses, we are free to own and carry weapons and organize a responsibly trained group of people to handle those weapons to protect the freedom of the state. It doesn't get much simpler than that, and it doesn't leave a lot of room for interpretation, but in that little gap is where lies the problem. Either side of the gun control issue has managed to shove and wedge their collective assholes inside the room where a couple of words may have more than one meaning. Worst of all both those who are against or for gun control scream as loud as they can about their rights and forget completely about their responsibilities. 

And it is that word that would solve the entire gun control issue in my humble but incredibly awesome and definitely right opinion.

RESPONSIBILITY

Let's focus on that. I stand by the right to bear arms and with gun owners since I happen to be one of them. I bought a handgun the moment I turned 21. It was the best thing I could have ever done. Not because it has saved my life or my property or because I'll be ready for the zombie apocalypse or downfall of society but because it materialized the abstract concept of responsibility for me. I held in my hands the power to end a life. I could stop another human being from living with something that fit in my pocket. Crazier than that was that it wasn't available just to me. Knowing anyone can have a gun was both mind blowing and life changing.

On the ride home with an unloaded gun, fully locked inside it's case and in my trunk I realized that if an idiot like me could get a gun, then pretty much anyone could too. I swear my road rage literally disappeared that day. I walked into my house and immediately thought about the many people that came in and out of my place where there now was a foken gun. I thought about both the adults and the kids and what could happen if someone mishandled it. Then I remembered that I normally pissed off my ex-wife once or twice a week, usually inside the house. I immediately went and bought a safe. I consciously understood the gravity of what a gun could do and because of that I have always had a profound respect for it. After 21 years I had just figured out how to be responsible. And the best part about that is that I'm not special because anyone else can figure this out on their own.

With the right amount of education and dedication you can turn a gun owner into a RESPONSIBLE gun owner. The law shouldn't restrict you from buying a gun if you are properly educated and constantly reminded that you hold in your hands a tool designed to end life. Doesn't matter if you have a tiny hand gun, an assault rifle or a foken tank. If you are required to purchase a lock with any gun you buy and you are made to take classes on gun safety before you acquire it and maybe once a year while you own it, and if there are ads on T.V. that constantly remind you to keep your guns locked and the consequences of not doing that, then I guarantee things would be a little different. And if you doubt an advertising campaign would work then please explain to me why people like the McRib Sandwich......... Exactly, that's what I thought.

I'm not saying that this is going to end crime and gun violence. The crooks and scumbags that use guns for the wrong reasons are going to do it regardless of whatever legislation and restrictions are passed. However, we can avoid a lot of tragedies like the recent wave of school shootings if registered gun owners are indoctrinated into responsibility. And yes, I said "registered" because this brings accountability into the picture. As I said, no one is going to stop Thievy McStealsalot from holding up the Quicky-mart if he decides to do it, but if he's using MY gun then it is obvious that I have failed in my responsibility as an American bearing arms to keep my guns secured and can no longer be trusted to do so. And before you start bitching that this is unfair because someone can steal your gun then let me remind you that the reason you have a right to own a gun is to protect the people around you, yourself and your property. It is then painfully obvious that you didn't do that at all, therefore you are a monumental foktard and your argument is invalid.

So in the end, I guess what I'm trying to say is this. Sure, it is your right as an American to purchase and keep a gun, but with that right comes the responsibility of protecting yourself and the American people, not only from a tyrannical government but from the stupidity of those that would try and harm them. You do that not just by keeping a weapon, but by keeping it safely.

As always, thanks for reading and any questions and comments will be promptly ignored as I am completely awesome and totally right.

Good Times.