Wednesday, June 29, 2011

MICHAEL BAY IS A DECEPTICON AND I HATE HIM!

I loved the Transformers. I really did. It was one of my favorite toys and I would spend hours with them. The show inspired hours of drawing and imaginary games and the animated movie left both a great message about sacrifice, a fanfokentastic soundtrack and the coolest foken quote for when I got into fights!


I used it once but as I got older I decided to go with "fok you foken fok!"

That was what I remembered about Transformers until in 2007 Michael Bay released the first Transformers movie. I'll be honest. I was both excited and apprehensive, but I told myself no matter what I would enjoy the movie because when you love something, you take both the bad and the good right?

And it wasn't that bad. I mean, sure there where a couple disappointments, like Bumblebee being a foken Camaro thanks to GM trying to make money or Optimus Prime looking like he scanned an episode of Pimp my Ride when he arrived on Earth, but overall I forgave Mr. Bay because he delivered realistic looking C.G.I. of the coolest franchise wrecking everyone's shit for me to enjoy. Well that and I was distracted by the novelty of it all and the multiple shots of Megan Fox in a tiny skirt.....

I felt good. My memories where not tarnished too much, and I could still say I loved the Transformers, but then two things happened. It was announced that a sequel would be released in 2009 and I found out that Megan Fox's thumbs look like my fat toe which is foken gross!


Seriously, that's just gross! 

Anyways. Transformers was a franchise geared towards children back in the late 80s and early 90s, but I guess since all those kids where now grownups like me, it was going to be hard to cash in on us. I'm aware of how capitalism works so I expected a bit of a gritty reboot of the series with some nostalgia thrown in just to keep me happy. And since the first movie did good I also knew I should expect a sequel. I figured since the first one wasn't so bad then why not check out number two. I told myself that my yearning to see a convincing Optimus Prime kicking ass was already satisfied with the first film so I could relax and lower my expectations, but nothing I did could have prepared me for the horrible ways my inner child and my outer adult where going to be traumatized beyond repair.

Michael Bay has a formula. It doesn't matter what the movie is about or what happens in it as long as there's enough explosions, female body part exposure and shiny cars to distract the viewer. Worked on Armageddon, Bad Boys, Bad Boys II, The Rock, The Island, Etc. Whole point is he knows it works, so he gets away with plot holes and script mistakes and continuity errors which really happens in most movies. However, Blatant RACISM and SEXISM is NOT what the Transformers where about and should have never been introduced into the series!


 What Transformers was NOT about!

I'm not going to go into too much detail. If you saw the movie and didn't seen anything wrong stop reading and kindly remove yourself from the gene pool. Maybe I'm the racist one, but everyone I talk to can pretty much agree that it was a tiny bit kind of foked up that what can safely be assumed where the Black robots happened to be complete idiots with robot faces that resemble pothead monkeys, while not knowing how to properly behave, and admitting that they don't really read too much. They also really sucked at fighting which according to the story we know is the ONLY FOKEN THING AUTOBOTS AND DECEPTICONS HAVE DONE FOR LIKE FOREVER.!!! Also at the beginning of the movie they aren't even a full foken robot. They share a foken Ice Cream car! Add to this the fact that Megan Fox's screen time is shot with the camera pointed directly at her crotch and then it's divided between 60% Changing slutty outfits, 20% Running in slow motion in slutty outfits and the other 20% Running and changing slutty outfits in slow motion and I can in all honesty say that my opinion is that this movie really was both RACIST and SEXIST.

But I blocked it out as much as I could (I actually fell asleep at the theater) and kept going. Time heals all wounds right? But Michael Bay knows this, so he released what I hope is the last movie about Transformers ever made. And last night, I went to see it. Call me masochistic, but I call it genuine optimism. The whole racist and sexist thing was no secret. Blogs where put up about it and people really bitched. Megan Fox went public saying she would not be participating on the third film and hinted at herself being overtly sexualized by Bay. So I figured maybe this would be an attempt at redemption and maybe an apology to fans like me.

You thought wrong Andy. FUCK YOU!

Instead last night I got treated to what I can only describe as Michael Bay raping my inner child! The movie started sort of good. Hell they even had a fake J.F.K. and a real Buzz Aldrin make a cameo in order to establish some realistic back story. But that was just foreplay for Mr. Bay as he proceeded to violate my senses and mind and memories and soul with the most nonsensical bigotry I have ever seen in my life! The new lead actress is a Victoria's Secret model which is probably why she was fine with being naked the entire film. Continuity is thrown out the window when a machine that only one specific Transformer can activate as established by him is later turned on by a foken guy slapping it. In the last two movies the fights have destroyed major cities and recognizable landmarks like the foken Pyramids yet people are not aware of Transformers being on Earth. What's worst is that since the Decepticions had been defeated twice the Autobots now perform black ops assassinations for the government which seriously IS NOT WHAT THE FOKEN TRANSFORMERS WHERE ABOUT!


MY CLOSING ARGUMENT. AN 8 SECOND CLIP OF GIANT ROBOT TESTICLES

Anyhow I'm not polishing this blog too much because the more I work on it the angrier I get and for the safety of my computer screen I'm going to stop.

DO NOT MAKE THE  MISTAKE I DID AND WATCH THE LAST TRANSFORMERS OR FOR THAT MATTER BUY ANYTHING RELATED TO THE FRANCHISE. MICHAEL BAY IS OBVIOUSLY A DECEPTICON AND HE HAS MANAGED TO KILL THE AUTOBOTS WITH HIS MOVIES. FOK YOU MICHAEL BAY, I HOPE A BEAR RAPES YOU THE WAY YOU RAPED MY MIND!


15 comments:

  1. lol good post, i like the pictures specially the girls picture and her ass ;)
    keep it up!

    ReplyDelete
  2. no one's perfect... megan fox is no exception! haha.. but that thumb.....! lol

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  3. Well she has to have some kind of flaw or deformity with a face and body like that.

    ReplyDelete
  4. hahahaha the thumb.
    but you're right about the transformer not being what it used to

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yeah Megan Fox has clubbed thumbs. I don't mind though!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I did watch the Transformers movies based on the previews the only thing bay did right ws get peter cullen back for the voice beades bay hates the dinobots and that alone show you that bay has no taste and he was well paid for bad work

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