O.C.D. (OCARINA COMPULSIVE DISORDER)

Dear members of the jury,

I never owned a Nintendo 64. in the late 90s when it was all the rage, all my friends had one, and the best games where the multiplayer so I never came around buying the system. I probably logged the same amount of hours on Starfox or Smash Brothers as an N64 owner. To this day there's people who will do anything with me except play Goldeneye, so as you can see I pretty much got that console's full experience......

SERIOSLY THOUGH, I'M PRETTY GOOD

Except for one game.

I had always heard "Ocarina of Time" is the best game made for N64. Some have gone as far as to say it may be the best game in that generation of consoles, and some have taken it as far as saying it's the best game ever. But since it was a one player game and I couldn't beat my friends in it, I had no interest. What fun is a game if there's no chance it may ruin a friendship? So I skipped "Ocarina" and moved on to other titles, and as I got older, to other consoles.

Fast forward to last weekend. My friends decided to have a retro game night and have some drinks. We did all the classics. Mario Kart, Smash Brothers, 007. We also had quite a bit to drink, so as a responsible adult I decided to crash in their couch because I may have had some blood in my alcohol system. Now something peculiar about me is that when I drink a lot, I wake up early the next morning, so it's no surprise then that I regained consciousness at 8:00 a.m. next morning while still under the influence.

I started getting bored since everyone was sleeping. I couldn't do a multiplayer game, so when I spotted Ocarina of Time, I thought I should give it a try. Now if you have played this game before, you understand what I'm about to describe. If you haven't, then give it a try, and you will see why things turned out the way they did, and why I ask for a verdict of "not guilty".

Ocarina of time was advanced for its time. The controls are simple, fluid and intuitive compared to the glitchy games back then and even some of the newer ones. The graphics are smooth for an older system and the game world is beautifully rendered, each character has its own pixelated quirks, the uncanny attention to detail seen in the rising and falling of the sun and moon. The music is masterfully composed and adapts to each environment and situation with barely noticeable transitions. But all of it pales in comparison to the story and interactivity. A classic tale of good against evil. The story of an outcast underdog finding his true calling, rising up to the challenge and realizing his potential. Seems pretty standard stuff until you sit with the control in hand. I can't describe why this game draws you in so well, I would guess it is a combination of all the things I have described, but the result is one of the most immersive experiences I have ever had in gaming.

THE BEGINNING OF A MASTERPIECE AND MY JOURNEY TO COURT

That Sunday I played almost 12 hours.

I didn't want to stop. When you read a good book you don't want to put it down because you want to know what happens, but with this game I didn't want to stop because I was the one that made things happen. It was me. I had to take the character from town to town, I had to search for items and go in each quest, I had to fight each enemy and figure out each puzzle. The character was an extension of me. Every game aims to do this. I can confidently say none had done it like Zelda: Ocarina Of Time.
Saying this game is addictive is an understatement. One could even say that its potential to influence the player is quite significant and may affect an unprepared, highly susceptible individual, affecting his state of mind. One could go so far as argue that if said individual allegedly did something stupid and possibly criminal while under the influence of such as strong force then the blame should be placed on the Nintendo company for making such an overwhelmingly good game and that individual should be absolved of all charges.

With that said let me explain the chain of events that brought us here today. After that fateful day of unrestricted exposure to the Ocarina of Time experience while under the influence of a free flowing fountain of Jameson's fine Whiskey I made my way home. I guess if I could be blamed for something it would be that I liked the video game so much, but surely that's not illegal. So when I changed my cellphone's ringtone to "Navi" ( A character in the game that accompanies you trough your journey and constantly warns you of danger), it was only to show my appreciation of the game. Little did I know that the new sound, when I received texts or calls, would trigger the response it did in my state of inebriation.

I heard the first text around 8:00 P.M. Now in the game world, night time is very dangerous. You are more likely to be attacked by monsters so when I heard Navi's voice saying "Listen" I freaked out. I tried equipping the Kokiri sword and Deku shield. Obviously I had neither one, but after extended play, my mind was still in game mode. It seemed logical at the time to acquire these items. I fabricated a crude sword and shield out of harmless cardboard. CARDBOARD. Cardboard is just like thick paper, that's why I believe the assault and battery charge on various police officers are so preposterous. In any case, my phone kept going off. I now know my friends where just trying to find out if I got home, but as stated, I was under the influence of Ocarina of Time's spell so at that point I honestly thought my life was in danger. Each new text or call was perceived as a warning of imminent attack. This is why I ran into the mall with my new gear. I knew I needed some health which is why I began eating everything I could find in the food court and the reason I stole the green woman's dress from that store is because I knew I couldn't face any enemies without the proper magic tunic. This is how much hold Nintendo's masterpiece had on my mind.

So it is with the utmost sincerity that I apologize to the 12 ladies and gentlemen of the mall security team. It was not me that was throwing delicious Cinnabons at you screaming "why don't these Deku nuts hurt them?". It was not me you chased trough the various stores and it was not me that repeatedly jabbed and spin attacked with a cardboard sword giving you countless paper cuts and minor bruises. If you should be suing anyone it should be Nintendo, or may I suggest, the company you work for because of not providing proper training to deal with individuals clearly under the influence of a Nintendo game.

IN YOUR DEFENSE, CAN THERE EVER BE SUCH TRAINING?

I want to extend that apology to the fine officers that took the call. By the time you had arrived my phone was ringing over and over as friends and family tried to reach me. That in addition to your sirens and lights made me think I was about to fight a boss battle in my Nintendo fueled confusion. So please forgive all the running around and the very light injuries caused by the cardboard sword and the toy boomerang, which by the way I still don't recall where I got or how I became so proficient with. If I may suggest something though. Should something like this happen again, please go straight to the taser. As we all found out that night together, pepper spray just makes me think a bad guy hit me with a fire spell.

At this point I want to also apologize to all the vendors and stores situated around the fountain in the main courtyard. None of you would have had to see me naked or would have heard me describe in detail and at the top of my lungs all the overtly erotic things I still had not done with "Princess Zelda" if I didn't really believe I was losing all my life points because I was on fire. Please consider taking legal action against Nintendo for all the psychological trauma caused by this incident.
So all in all, I think that if we could all agree that none of this would have happened if Nintendo had not made such a fanfokentastic game as Ocarina of Time, with the capability to influence a susceptible mind such as mine, then we could also agree that this embarrassing episode is really not my fault, and that without the need of jail time I have learned a valuable lesson. So lets just put this all behind us and forget it ever happened and if you bring back a verdict of innocent, I promise to stay out of trouble and lay low, specially because they just announced the new "Grand Theft Auto" and I'm dying to play it.

Good Times.

BLACK BELT IN AWESOME

I've always been a fan of Martial Arts. I'm trying to remember chronologically as best as possible and I would say it all started with old Kung Fu flicks. My entire upbringing was bombarded by ancient fighting techniques making their way to the Americas. I grew up with Ninja Turtles, Karate Kids and Kung Fu the Legend Continuesesessss? Whatever, the point is that from an early age I realized that being born in this side of the world was the best thing that could have happened to me because unlike all those suckers in the East that invented all these martial arts and practice all day long, here in the West I could learn all those techniques in a matter of months by doing regular household chores and listening to 80s pop music as long as I met the right Sensei.

 NO NEED TO PLAY DRESS UP ANYMORE

And so at the tender age of around 12 I decided it was time to start my journey. I found this old Chinese guy that hung out in the back of my middle school in his sweet van and asked him if he wanted to be my master. He was pretty excited about it, maybe a little too much, but I took that as a good sign, and so I was ready to start my training until the cops showed up and arrested his ass. I was pretty bummed for about 10 seconds and then I realized it was pizza night so I went home. I did end up renting a whole bunch of books on fighting techniques from the library and started learning the history of the different martial arts. But even at that naive age I knew books weren't going to be enough to quench my thirst for blood.

My parents always preached nonviolence so there was no way to convince them about the benefits of putting their child in ass kicking classes. I also suspect that they had figured out I was a little asshole so that may have had something to do with it. This put me in a predicament. With no money for lessons I started seeking out people that could teach me whatever techniques they had learned from different arts and wanted to practice with me. Over the next couple years I met friends that had actual training and learned as much as I could about what they practiced. I didn't just ask them to teach me moves, I asked for their opinion as far as how applicable the techniques where, what they saw as strengths and weaknesses, the spiritual side of their chosen art.... actually I learned that shit on my own, I mostly asked them to teach me some sweet moves. I became the punching bag for a lot of them but with all that ass kicking, I actually got pretty decent exposure to Judo, Tae Kwon Do, MCMAP, and Pencak Silat.

I ALSO GOT EXPOSED TO THE BUSINESS END OF A KENDO STICK ONCE BECAUSE MY FRIENDS ENJOY BEATING ME UP.

One of my favorite stories actually happened while practicing Tae Kwon Do with a Marine fresh from bootcamp and MCMAP training on my birthday. We where doing some light sparring and my mom came over to tell us it was time to cut the cake and all that fuzz. I should have listened to my mama, but I didn't so we went for one more round and I got my two front teeth kicked out by accident. I grabbed those suckers, cleaned them up and shoved them back in place and spent the rest of my birthday at the emergency room high on morphine and getting my lips stitched up. Good Times.

So after years of dipping my toes in the proverbial water, I find myself in a position where I have both the time and means to actually practice a Martial Art. I have decided to start Gracie Jiu Jitsu and I'm pretty excited about it. I always like putting some sort of teaching in my writing but honestly I just wanted to share this with whoever cares. I guess the lesson is that it is NEVER too late to go after whatever you are passionate about and when you want something you should work towards it no matter what. Good Times.

 

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

Yesterday I finished the "Hunger Games" series by Suzanne Collins. I myself had no idea until recently, but apparently these books have been around since 2008 and have received very positive reviews. The series even stayed in USA Today's best sellers list for 135 weeks in a row. Yet I had never heard of them. The books never came up in conversation with friends, I never saw any pop up ads for them online and the dumb-dumb box never asked me to run to my library and buy the paperbacks. If it wasn't for the fact that a movie was made there's a very good chance I may have never known these books existed which is a little sad. However, thanks to some Hollywood executive who I'm sure doesn't care about the money and only cares about the work, the series was adapted into film.

As if by magic the entire world became aware of the existence of these novels overnight. The universe has made sure I can't go one day without hearing about how great they are. According to the intertubes, "The Hunger Games" film set the record for the third best opening weekend box office sales of any movie in the U.S. with a bling-blinging $152.5 million. I have no doubt that a large chunk of people went to see it because they where fans of the written work, but the reality is that the majority of movie goers where there because of the marketing campaign behind it. The media made it trendy!

Now don't get me wrong, I think it's fantastic that there's some much exposure to what I consider a pretty good work of fiction, but it makes me a little sad that the reason it's receiving so much attention is not because of the merit it deserves but because someone decided that they could make money off of it. And this has always been an issue for me because I don't like people telling me what to do.

The position I'm taking is a difficult one to defend because when this stuff happens pretty much everyone wins. The author receives both fame and fortune, the work receives exposure, fans get to see the adaptations of something they cherish, everyone makes money, everyone gets what they want, everyone is freaking happy... except me. Because I found out about "The Hunger Games" from media specifically designed to MAKE me like it, then I have a creeping doubt in the back of my head as to whether I truly enjoyed the work or if my feelings where tainted by the greedy hands of the advertising industry.

It sounds pretty paranoid to think that some TV ads have enough power to sway the way we feel about things. If you are anything like me (for your sake I hope you are not, but I just needed a good transition), you could probably argue that you have never run out of your home to buy something just because you saw a commercial for it, and although that's probably true, I wouldn't start patting yourself on the back just yet. The advertising industry makes between 300 to 680 BILLION Dollars a year. Go ahead, take some time to wrap your head around that number and the implications behind it. This money is not only spent on filming and printing advertisement, a good chunk goes to research to find the most efficient way to have an effect on the public. There's actually mad scientists figuring out ways to trick you into getting crap you don't need and they are pretty good at it. The companies with the highest marketing budgets tend to make the most profit because advertisement works. One commercial may not get an immediate reaction from you, but constant subliminal bombardment, brand recognition and psychological manipulation will definitely do the trick and that always makes me wonder.

I understand that in the way I see the world is a combination of nature and nurture so it can be argued that my opinions aren't truly my own, but they do belong to me, and so I have decided to make a stand against the huge monster of advertisement.

Thank you for letting me know that things exist oh puppet-masters of marketing, but I will stand my ground and decide WHEN, HOW, WHERE and WHY I will enjoy something. I will give things merit according to my own point system and not the ratings you manipulate because when we let you "guide" our tastes we end up with crap like Fifty Shades of Justin Bieber at Twilight featuring Kanye West and this cannot be tolerated anymore.

FACEBOOK THERAPY

I can trace the beginning of my very misguided love for psychology to 8th grade. I clearly remember this because I used it to get close to the ladies. It's not that I had somehow mastered the intricacies of the human mind at that tender age and found it easier to communicate with the other sex, it's just that no one else around me had any idea about it so I could literally lie and everyone would be none the wiser. I saw the power of understanding the human psyche, so I joined psychology club, slept trough most of it and then walked around my school with a clipboard and some vague questions about the meaning of "Limp Bizkit" lyrics or something like that and asked cute girls for their opinion and their phone numbers for "further research". It totally worked. "People your age are complete idiots, Andy, learn about me and together we can be manipulate them with your superior intellect because you are so freaking smart". It was the first lesson Lady Psychology ever taught me. Sure it wasn't a good lesson, and maybe I made it up, but the point is that it got me interested in the scientific study of the mind. And as I looked further into it, I realized that it was a wonderful tool that could not only aid my 15 year old self quest to "score" but it would actually fulfill my need to understand myself and help others. And so I have played with the idea of actually following psychology as a career for a quite a while. I don't want to get into too much detail, but a myriad of obstacles and a lack of confidence had prevented me from pursuing my goal of a Doctorate in Psychology until not long ago. So imagine my disappointment and dismay when, after finally working up the courage to follow my dream, I discovered that just like beepers and common sense; my dear, dear psychology would no longer be useful in the future.

I know what you are going to say. "Andy, what are you on about? Psychology is a growing field, we have barely began to understand the mysteries of the human mind. There's no need to worry about Psychology going the way of the dinosaur any time soon!". Well first of all, let me tell you that if you are saying that, you are wasting your time because you are talking to a computer screen and there's no possible way for me to hear it. I don't need any training on the field to inform you that you are nuttier than squirrel shit and you need to quit that before someone sees you. With that out of the way, I ask you to allow me to retort. Psychology IS a dying field, and it's all because of Facebook.

You see. Facebook has quietly but surely become an integral part of everyone's life. At first it was harmless enough. Just a way to keep in touch with friends. But then as it grew in numbers and it amassed power, people decided to let this virtual network become a living, breathing stage for real life. Facebook became the meeting place for the masses. Like a courtyard in high school or the break room at your job, Facebook was the place where people could make small talk then just get back to whatever it is they where doing. Unfortunately just like in those other places, certain people have discovered that by acting out in specific ways, they can now get all the attention they need without the effort of actually interacting with other human beings.

I want to suggest a party game. Everyone has a laptop and a pint glass. Log on to Facebook and have all participants scroll down their post feed at the same time. Every time a friend has vented about their shitty lives or work or stress take a one finger sip. For any relationship (or lack thereof) drama take down two fingers. A public breakup it's worth four fingers and an actual couple fighting online means you must skull the whole foken pint. The winner is the last person standing and if you really look at the implications of that last statement, you will realize the extent of what I mean by "winner".

The reality is that writing down our pent up emotions is a very helpful tool for dealing with them, but the layer of anonymity created by seating behind a screen, and the false sense of understanding and acceptance we get from everyone pressing like on our short rant about how "every1 in da wrold is reely stoopid" has created a terrible phenomenon I like to call "Facebook Therapy". Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the occasional rant will lead to your demise, I'm talking about those that have allowed the social network feed to become their main outlet when they have trouble expressing themselves. And although the action of venting in itself is not detrimental, it is the repercussions of that action that can be even more damaging to people than the post itself. You see, the lack of intimacy and connection with a real human being will, in my opinion, have three very negative effects.

First, the person venting feels a false sense of being heard and understood when others simply "like" or agree with whatever it is they are saying. If you needed to share your fears and frustrations with a close friend, and after opening up to them they gave you a thumbs up and said "like" then walked away you would probably feel pretty bad, but this is completely fine online. The reader doesn't have to engage the poster more than necessary because that quick acknowledgment is just enough to show that you care without getting on the way of your "Farmville" time. So even though the poster might have been reaching out for someone to listen, they have to settle for some artificial empathy which may not be a big deal if you are bitching about a coworker, but might be the worst possible thing for someone that may already feel isolated and disconnected.

Second, if someone does challenge or disagrees with the rant, then it's very easy to simply ignore that comment because the bottom line is that you aren't dealing with another human being, just a computer screen. There's an artificial barrier when we use devices to communicate with each other, whether is text or online or even talking on the phone. No other form of communication can be as complete as talking face to face with someone else. Take the time to observe two people conversing (try not to hide in bushes with binoculars as the police apparently tend to frown upon that) Notice not only what they say, but the way the hands move, how the bodies are positioned, the way they move closer or farther away, the tone of voice, etc. The point is that there are a whole lot of other processes going on that convey information which are lost when we interact trough a device. So now, no matter how much you care or empathize with the person, whatever response you post will have a degree of artificiality that can be more harm than good.

The third and possibly worst effect from "Facebook Therapy" is that your business is now online for everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE to eventually know,no matter how private your profile is. Let's use my "Facebook as the water cooler at an office" analogy. Let's say you are upset about whatever and so you put a sign on the bulletin board to vent your frustration. As people walk by the water cooler, they see the sign, maybe try to cheer you up, and you feel a better, however, life continues past the water cooler right? These people may talk about your issue among themselves, but probably to others that were not meant to be involved to begin with. Now your business is out in the open in a less controlled way. Now imagine how those people feel when every time they go for a drink they find a new post about a new issue in your life. Little by little they might feel less and less sympathy for you and may possibly end up alienating you altogether.

You know exactly what I'm talking about because it is a big part of the social network experience. I myself made a conscious decision to avoid not only letting my dirty laundry air online, but to make an effort to interact with others in person as much as possible. I plan to get my attention the old fashioned way, by being loud and obnoxious everywhere I go. Basically to not fall into the sweet, sweet laziness of receiving artificial attention online before I end up in the unending cycle of feeling like crap, posting about it, waiting for the world to care, feeling like they don't, therefore feeling like crap and starting the process again.

People could end up all kinds of messed up from this, so now that I think about it I may have to thank "Facebook Therapy" for really foken people up. I never thought I would say this, but thank you from the bottom of my wallet Mark, your creation will one day make me as rich as you!

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

CRAZY LIKE A FOX, HOW AN ADVENTURE WAS BORN! ( DAY 1 - 2:15 A.M. )

This blog entry will be written on my cell phone as events happen since I probably won't have access to a computer on my journey and I don't want any details left out. I just made it home home from a hell of a night at the bar, man I must have had like a bathtub of beer and at least a gallon of Tequila. Anyhow I found that the dumb-dumb box had a marathon of some sort of survival show going on. These things really anger the Y part of my chromosomal makeup because it's all pretend. Usually some pansy with specially designed gear and a camera crew spends one day inside some natural preserve and that's enough to impress every nancy-boy that has never tapped into their animal nature. But they are not fooling me. I know I would do just as good, if not better if I found myself in a survival situation, so I have decided to prove it.

I don't have access to a helicopter or safety gear or fancy film equipment and I live in a fairly large metropolitan area so taking nature head on might be out of the question. This is why I have decided on the next best thing. I am arming myself with my phone to record my quest and a wooden spoon ( The blood level in my alcohol system might be a little high and I don't think it's responsible to carry a knife). With my gear ready and after hydrating myself with tall glass of Patron, I will now attempt to make it back home after being dropped off at random location in the furthest reaches of the concrete jungle known as Miami.

ADVENTURE FUEL!

HOW TO GET READY FOR AWESOME! ( DAY 1 - 2:30 A.M. )

In order to create realism I decided to blindfold myself, duct tape my gear to my butt cheeks and strip down to my boxers then be dropped off at random. I thought that my journey had met it's end before it began when I couldn't convince any of the taxicabs I called for to take me. Finally they sent a more manly, special taxicab. It had blue and red shining lights so that deaf people would know it had arrived.

THE CHARIOT OF THE BRAVE

I shook hands with the brave driver and asked him his name. "Opheezer Vasquez" he said. "Opheezer, that sounds Swedish" I said trying to make small talk. I congratulated him on his testicular fortitude. He helped me to the back seat and I told him about the quest I was embarking on. He was both extremely pleasant and encouraging, reassuring me that "everything was going to be alright". I knew he doubted what he said as I looked at the reflection of his eyes in the rear view mirror right trough the privacy fence. I tried to ease his concern, but as I began to speak I released the fish tacos I had at the bar trough the fence and into his box of donuts. I guess the nerves where finally getting to me, and I thought he was going to be pretty upset but instead he showed me how much he believed in me by actually putting a black duffel bag over my head as I had planned from the beginning.

We didn't speak much after that because we both knew that I had to focus on the tasks at hand. I began to concentrate in order to mentally prepare myself. I cleared my mind of all background noise using ancient Buddhist techniques and I guess I must have done it pretty good because I don't remember a lot after that. When I finally left my deep meditative state I realized we had stopped moving, the blindfold was off and I was being dragged by my friend Opheezer. My body wasn't responding because of the high level of mental peace I had reached, so he carried me away from the taxicab, off the side of the road just like I had planned all along, Opheezer wanted to help as much as he could and in order to create the realism of a survival situation, he knew that we had to step it up a notch. If you survive a plane crash, you will probably have some injuries, so Opheezer began to punch and kick me with all his strength to simulate plane crash injuries. Once the damage was believable he pushed me down a ditch. As I floated face down on the muddy water of some unknown canal I realized two things. My journey had just started, and it was all possible thanks to a courageous man named Opheezer Vasquesz, my new friend for life!

 THE FRIENDSHIP STICK

ALL JOURNEY'S BEGIN WITH THE FIRST STEP!  ( DAY 1 5:45 A.M. )

After a little more meditation I finally decided that in order to finish my quest I had to actually get started. I slowly pulled myself out of the water and sat at it's edge. I proceeded to pull the duct tape pouch securely attached to my posterior and log all the events that led me to the first step of my travels on my phone. I also armed myself with my spoon ready for any wildlife that may think I would make an easy meal on my weakened state. I knew that I should try to reach the high ground in order to survey my location, but that's when I found my simulated plane crash injuries where quite real and I couldn't reach the top of the ditch. I used the duct tape to fashion a sling for my left arm and placed my phone on that hand while holding my wooden spoon weapon on my right and decided to follow the canal since civilization tends to spring around water sources. By the time I began walking I noticed that it was almost sunrise. I was on my way.

IN GETTING LOST, ONE FINDS HIMSELF! ( DAY 1 7:00 A.M. )

Just as the light of dawn slowly breaks trough the dusk, my senses where slowly breaking trough the darkness of my deep meditation. I noticed that I wasn't really in a canal but rather in a small lake so I had been going in circles around it for quite some time. Also, I realized I was freaking starving. My body was doing it's best to heal from the simulated plane crash, but it needed to be fueled. I had to acquire sustenance quickly. I found walking uphill a little easier now so I was pleased when I reached the top. Imagine my surprise when not far from my point of emergence I spotted a tribe of pigmy people surrounding some sort of sacred hut.

 THE NOW EXTINCT PIGMY PEOPLE TRIBE

I ran towards them holding my spoon at the ready in case they where hostile and stopped just a few feet short of where they where gathered. They observed me with curiosity as I did them. I was amazed by their short stature and the weird patterns in their garments as well as the hunting bags attached to their backs. That's when I noticed that a few of them where carrying in their hands small square boxes that smelled of food. I moved a few steps closer and they took a defensive formation by moving closer to each other. I pointed at the boxes of food and grunted hoping they would understand. I must have not gotten the message trough because the ones with food began moving towards the back of the pack. I decided that my survival was a higher priority than any political relations I could establish with this tribe so I attacked. If their fighting skills are any indication of their desire to survive then it is no wonder the pigmy people are almost extinct. I was able to incapacitate all 12 of their fiercest warriors with my wooden spoon. I quickly pulled the loot from the boxes and filled one of their hunting back packs with it, running away to a safe place to enjoy the loot. I imagine this encounter will become part of their oral tradition. A tale of  an invincible creature in the jungle that demands a food sacrifice to appease it's anger.

 A STATUE ERECTED AT THE PIGMY VILLAGE TO WARN OTHER TRIBESMEN

This incredible first contact taught me something about myself and about this previously undiscovered tribe. I don't know my own strength and pigmy people are a terrible warriors.  Now I will eat and rest a bit in order to continue my journey.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS ( DAY 1 - 8:30 )

I just woke up in some bushes by the elementary school close to my house. I'm only wearing boxers and I have a book bag full of Lunchables I don't remember ever owning or buying. There's police cars everywhere and I don't remember anything since I got to the bar yesterday for happy hour. I found blogger open on my phone and it's about to die so if you are reading this bring me some clothes because I need to be at work in half an hour. My exact location is.....

LESSONS LEARNED FROM RANDOM THINGS!

My Grandfather was a wise man. He had an almost encyclopedic knowledge about anything you could think of asking him, but the really impressive part was that when he wasn't sure, he used his wonderful imagination and unequivocal common sense to come up with something that was as close to fact if not more so than whatever the real answer was.... What I'm saying is my Grandfather was Wikipedia before the internet was even plugged in!

In any case, I always admired this quality of his, and as I grew older I wondered what a man had to do in ordered to collect the vast knowledge my Grandfather seemed to possess. Well, WikiGrandpa had the answer for that too! "Never stop paying attention." he said, "Everyone AND everything has a story to tell and a lesson to teach"!

Well, I took this to heart and so now I give you a compilation of lessons I have learned from  everything around me! Tips that will hopefully help you with school, life, love and maybe even sex! Sound advice from a guy that can't get his crap together so seriously, listen at your own risk!

RUGBY and FRIENDSHIP

    I play Rugby which is a fantastic sport. If you don't know what I'm talking about I highly recommend a quick Youtube search! Its like being in the middle of the movie 300 except with more fat guys and less homoerotic undertones! For the most part. But I digress, the point is that rugby is a game where there is no such thing as a superstar player! No matter how fast and tough you are, you can't win the game unless you have the support of the rest of the team, because the moment things go wrong, you will find yourself alone and lose the ball. To me, that is EXACTLY how a good circle of friends should be! A group of friends should work together to win at life. Sure everyone may have a different position and may take a different approach, but the constant should be that the moment things get heavy, everyone else should be there to support and push and fight to make sure no one is left alone in the field carrying a ball and having to face everything on their own! You don't just follow the guy that scores all the time, you follow everyone so that you build a strong bond! This way, when you end up with the ball in your hands, you don't have to look back, you just trust that your team and friends will be there if things get tough!

ZOMBIES and FINANCES

    Picture if you will a day just like today. You are sitting there, doing whatever it is that you are doing when you hear some noise outside. You get up and walk to the window to see what the commotion is and that's when you spot a group of zombies chasing Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Katy Perry! Welcome to the Zombie Apocalypse! You may be asking yourself if I have gone crazy or what any of this has to do with finances, and if this is the case then I ask you to have a bit more faith in my hereditary ability to bullshit and I warn you, question my sanity again and I will be forced to send my army of Ninja Space Monkeys after you. With that said, the lesson here is to practice survival mode and be prepared! Just like Z Day, you never know when financial adversity will strike, and the only way to survive is to be ready! Now you may be thinking that stockpiling a cache of food and weapons or money is enough, but the reality is that if you don't practice how to use both your arms and your cash in a tight situation then you won't make it far when the real disaster goes down! This is actually how I learned to save money! Pretend my car broke down and it's a $200 dollar fix. That money gets put away and remains untouched as if it was a real scenario and I survive on cereal for 2 weeks so that the cash is there when I really need it for an emergency or to bribe the customs agent so I can have my one time use hand made Chinese silk pajama pants. Point is preparedness is not just having the resources but the ability to use them at a moments notice, follow this advice and just like me you will be ready when the scenario I proposed happens and just like me you too can save humanity when you see Gaga and Bieber and Perry running for their lives, and you pull out your sniper rifle, pop one in each of their ankles and enjoy the show!

SEX and VIDEOGAMES

I'm dividing this one as advice for each corresponding gender and I'm trusting that you will only read the one that applies. Also I want to assure this is simply a gross oversimplification about male and female sexuality that does not take into account feelings!

    FOR THE GENTLEMEN

    Honor system ladies, remember the Ninja Space Monkeys, I'm not afraid to use them, skip to the next section.... O.K., now that they are gone here it is, there's two types of women when it comes to sex, it's up to you to figure it out so that you can please her. The first type is like your first console, let's say a Nintendo with Mario Bros. Once you start playing its pretty intuitive and each button does something specific, there really isn't much to figure out so now its up to you to see how good can you get at the game. You could probably play for hours but if you don't develop your technique things will get repetitive. Be inventive and you will always have fun! The second Type is more like the current consoles. Let's say PS3 with Modern Warfare! You start playing and you realize you don't really know what everything does so you have to take your time to figure out each function, you might play a few rounds and not do very well because you haven't learned the controls yet, but if you really slow down and pay attention you will develop the right technique and begin to enjoy the game. After some time things become second nature and before you know it you are leveling up like a boss and getting all kind of achievements you weren't expecting. Patience and attention will help you master and thoroughly enjoy each game!

    FOR THE LADIES

    Well, I was just telling the men about respect and totally not reinforcing sexist stereotypes, matter of fact I just copy and pasted something from the Cosmo website. Boring stuff really. Actually what I wrote up there actually applies to men too, if you already went through it then shame on you, but let me add to that just a little more. My advice for you ladies is very simple. Whether we like you or not we are probably going to let you play videogames with us, but only if we like you are we going to really enjoy ourselves, let you win and won't care what buttons you where pressing and you know exactly what I mean!

SCHOOL and DRIVING

    Driving is one of my favorite things to do. School, not so much, at least not until I realized how the way I drive could be applied to my behavior at school. I truly enjoy driving. I could be stuck in traffic and seriously could fill a pool with the amount of damns I just don't give! When I go out for a drive I feel comfortable. I focus on the road and pay attention to everything around me but only take in the information that truly matters like traffic signals while ignoring the distractions that serve no purpose but to stop me from my destination like that cheerleader car wash. And that's the problem I suspect must of us have in school. We know where the hell we need to go, but there's so many obstacles and distractions that the ride stops being enjoyable and we just become frustrated and either turn around and go home or barely do what we can to get there. But just like driving, you are in control. You choose what station you listen to, you choose the speed at which you drive, you choose what route to take and you choose to drive past that car wash because in the end they are not paying for your gas and could care less where you end up after you leave there!

DRINKING AND MARTIAL ARTS

    If you know me, you probably have had a beer with me at one point or another, if you don't, then you will when you meet me. Because that's the first thing you should do when you find yourself in my glorious presence. You should buy me a pint of Guinness. This will bring you good fortune. Anyhow, I love me some brew. I enjoy beer and partake on it's consumption. Nowadays I sit down and have a couple glasses of good craft beers and tend to enjoy the finer brews, but that's because I earned my black belt. When I first started, I drank like a frat boy and held records at my local hospital for most abuse to the liver in one weekend and had an honorary mention for most likely to flirt with a defibrillator. So basically I was in the Cobra Kai school of drinking. I wanted to pick every fight and walked around with a false sense of pride because I knew I could beat everyone around me. But that's not the point of martial arts, and it sure as hell isn't the point of having a drink. Just like the old masters teach us that "We learn to fight, so we don't have to", I feel that we kind of  "Learn to drink, so we don't have to". Let me explain. Sure it seems cool to be able to down a bottle of Jack Daniels by yourself, but are you enjoying yourself any more than the guy that's having a couple shots to get a nice buzz going and actually remembers what happened that night without the killer hangover? When you drink, you must be like the ancient masters. Able to whoop everyone's ass, but no one around you should be able to suspect a thing! Martial Arts teach you discipline and push your limits so that you know yourself and can use your skills responsibly and that's the approach you should take when you drink. Know what you can drink, know when to stop, and know what you can or cannot handle. Also, practice regularly and with good company!

So there you have it. Just a couple pearls of wisdom from me to you. Don't bother thanking me, but specially don't bother complaining when none of this works because I probably won't remember typing it since I downed 2 bottles of cough syrup before I got started and I sure as hell can't be held liable for the crap my brain is spewing. May the force be with you!

THANK YOU SOCIAL NETWORKS, NOW I HAVE NO FRIENDS!

Remember that time you where really sick and Facebook brought you your homework and made copies of it's notes so you wouldn't fall behind in class? You don't? How about when you and Twitter went to that crazy party and had such a great time? Doesn't ring a bell? Not even that silly game you and Myspace played when you where kids? Nothing at all? In that case, congratulations! Like me, you too have just realized that you have no friends and will be forever alone.

 NOT A BIG FAN OF MEMES, BUT THIS FOKER FITS

OK, maybe it isn't as dramatic as that, but the point I'm trying to make is that there is a problem inherent to all these Social Networking sites that is contradictory to their very purpose. Major parts of social interaction are being replaced by very impersonal digital counterparts. There's all this amazing technology and software being created in order to unite the world and unfortunately all is doing is making human beings more and more disconnected because the reality of it is that you end up interacting with computer instead of real people.

After careful research and polling (I'm totally making this up but it's probably true), I have found that 90% of Social Network users have over 100 friends listed on their accounts. Seriously, look at your own accounts. and now think about how many of the people in the list are truly your friends? How many of them do you talk to on a regular basis or even manage to hang out with? I bet if you where to delete the ones that don't match that criteria the numbers would be greatly reduced right? Now don't get me wrong. I understand the point of networking is to create a large group of people connected in one way or another. And this is fantastic if you want to promote a business or a cause you believe in or some hilarious insightful blog written by a totally handsome dude, but honestly, this is not what you will find in your updates seeing as how they are mostly composed of all of us saying we are bored and then posting the latest Youtube video that entertained us!

 IT'S CATS. IT'S ALWAYS CATS

And that is exactly where things go wrong with Social Networks. They might have been created to connect people, but little by little they have just become the latest form of entertainment for us all. You know I'm right! And I don't mean just the games either. Bored at work? Check for updates! Traffic light? Check for updates! Waiting in line? Check for updates! Bathroom Break? Check for updates! No updates? Reload just in case you missed any updates! I know I'm not making that up. We don't check because we have a true interest on what's new in the lives of those we care about, we check because it's entertaining to know what everyone else is up to.

And it's not to say that there aren't any meaningful posts either. Among the barrage of  "I'm bored" and "I'm mad" and "People are Stoopid" posts there's always a great pearl of wisdom or some valuable bit of information, but we are so conditioned to pointless impersonal banter that we end up responding in very detached ways if we even choose to respond at all (Thank you very much "Like" button). Because the information is so compressed and readily available, we don't have to ask questions and start conversations. We simply stop making a conscious effort to maintain real contact with the people around us and so we end up with 10,000 friends and wondering why we still feel kind of lonely.

 PICTURED ABOVE. MINGLING AT A PARTY

I'm probably not going to stop using networking sites anytime soon. Like I said, they do serve a fantastic purpose. I however, have come to the realization that I want to make a conscious choice to both maintain and reinforce my connections to the people I care about because it's really hard to take my desktop to the beach or out for coffee without looking like a complete fool, and when I think about all the good times, I don't remember seeing some glorified beeper there when we had to run away from the cops after stealing those llamas and having those jousting matches inside the closed mall we broke into (you guys know who you are). But I digress, point is all these things are just tools to help us connect and they should be used as such because the click of a mouse will never replace the good times with those we love!