Wednesday, March 23, 2011

MONKEY PROOF WALLS!

I noticed a growing trend of people taking red lights on the road and I got to thinking. Using my basic knowledge of the "Darwin law of evolution" and "Natural Selection" in nature, I have come up with a theory to solve all the problems of the world! I stand in the shoulders of giants and use their knowledge, taking it one step further and playing "God" I will advance the human race towards evolution.

All it takes is walls.

Hear me out. Traffic lights function with 3 colors. Green means that you can go. Yellow is a warning that the light is close to changing and you should slow down. Red means stop.

I suggest changing the red light to a mechanism that springs a heavy iron wall from the ground right behind the crosswalk in front of the line in the road where the car should stop. This of course would happen on red right after the yellow warning sign. Any one trying to take the red light will without a doubt crash into the wall.

GOOD FOKEN JUJUBEE ANDY, WHAT WOULD THAT ACCOMPLISH?

The purpose or rather "purposes" of this seemingly trivial change to the traffic light will be explained corresponding the list of the type of people that take red lights.

DID NOT SEE IT OR COULD NOT SEE COLOR
Since traffic lights are huge objects with bulbs so bright that you can even see them in the day light, and the D.O.T. add hues of orange and blue so that the colorblind can see them too, then the person obviously has foken bad eyesight. By eliminating these assholes from the gene pool, the overall sense of sight of the human race will improve reducing the amount of children that have trouble learning because of eye problems and creating a smarter human race.

DID NOT HAVE TIME TO STOP
This one is easy. The basic traffic light has an average delay period of 5 to 10 seconds between yellow and red. Don't think 5 seconds is enough time, put a lighter flame to your crotch for that long and talk to me about foken reaction time. If your reflexes are so bad that you can't switch your foot from one pedal to the other in at least 5 seconds you don't deserve to reproduce, and whats the point of living if your not allowed to get your freaky freak on? With these monkeys dead, overall reflexes will improve throughout the planet. By the year 2030 a human being will be able to catch a bullet in his/her teeth, making guns obsolete. World peace will be achieved.

DISTRACTED BY... (CELL PHONE, KIDS, PET..ETC.) 
The average car weights 2000 pounds. The average driver reaches a cruising speed of 50 miles per hour. If you don't think that being inside this much metal at that much speed is worth 100% your attention, then you are obviously not fully there. Foken Focus dickweeds! FOCUS! Look forward, accelerate, see obstacle, decelerate, turn when necessary. Not hard huh? In any case, Once the distracted assfarts in our population Darwin themselves out of the gene pool, overall IQs will rise beyond any previous charts. Humans will be able to use 80% their brain by the year 2080 allowing teleportation. Cars become useless. Greenhouse effect stops, Earth turns to paradise.

"I TOUGHT I COULD BEAT THE YELLOW"
My closing argument. The law is very simple. Each light has its own action. 3 foken choices. Go, Slow down, STOP. The douchebags that think that they are above this simple law are more than likely the same monkeys that will be O.K. breaking other laws. "Oh, I tought I could rob your house and rape your dog as long as you didn't notice!" FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! Eliminating these monkeys will finalize my solution. Crime rates will drop. The need for police or any kind of law for that matter will be obsolete, Governments will disban and the world will reach a state of eutopia by the year 3000.

All materials are copyrighted and I already started a petition here in Miami, vote YES on MONKEY PROOF WALLS TRANSPORTATION ACT OF 2011.


"BEST DOCUMENTARY EVER"


Thank your for listening, also, if any questions or doubts you are more than encouraged to ask in the comment section as I think my plan is airtight and will be more than happy to ignore you.

9 comments:

  1. Lol, I get ALMOST-killed about 26 times a week by careless drivers xD.

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  2. I cant drive but lol monkeys.
    lol jk, good article!

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  3. 3 different traffic ligths for 3 different functions.

    Yellow is useless

    Green is the way

    And red is just a warning :D

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  4. A wall would be too expensive. Having the red light trigger severe tire damage spikes instead could be a good cost-effective alternative.

    ReplyDelete